Through the weeks and months that have passed, I contemplate the view of marriage in God's eyes, looking backwards from the experience of widowhood. Repeatedly, the Bible says, "....a man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife. And, the 2 shall become one.". (Mark 6).
There are several aspects of these verses that have come to me regarding my marriage.
1. Marriage was a commitment of the mind and the heart that we made way back then. Like all couples, we struggled to live in this "new body". The one flesh if you will. We had committed to each other and through it all, we stayed together, united in spite of each of our flaws and inadequacies. We faced many struggles together. Struggles that could have torn us apart. But, we chose to bond together and face them together. United.
2. Although we had made a promise and commitment to each other, it was God who bound us together. As I am alone now, I see how our marriage and life together had became more than the sum of the 2 of us could ever had been. He made us more than we could be on our own. I look back on the marriage and friendship we enjoyed. There was so much that became of the 2 of us being together, sharing together, teaching each other. I see so many things that I am today because I learned to live and love together with this man.
3. Because we became "one flesh" and he was taken from me, it felt akin to an amputation. A tearing away of part of myself. The trauma and the suffering was great and intense. The healing is a process. One that may always involve a sense of loss.
4. Another struggle that I have faced has to do with the commitment I made, for life. I married him "until death parted us". However, the struggle I've had is that the fact that although he has died, I have not, and therefore has not changed the sincerity of my commitment to him. The fact that I am still here, that commitment is still intact. How do I go on without him? How do I fulfill my marriage commitment? My life was to be bonded to him "forever". What do I do with it now that the bond has been changed? God made us one flesh, and we were ripped apart. How does that mend it? What do I do with that emotional commitment that I made? That change from being single to being united was a permanent change for me. How does my commitment to him continue with us on two sides of life? What does that look like during the continuation of my life here? How do I love him and care for him now that he's physically not with me here?
In many ways, I have more questions than answers, this is true. Especially related to my love and commitment in the here and now. I will say that as I look on from my perspective this day, I see much in the way of God's hand, creating a miracle from the lives of two mostly broken souls.
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