Solitude During the Holidays

As I sit here, I am by myself, but not really alone. As social a creature as God made me to be and I have been throughout my life to this point, during this season of my life, the darkness of widowhood, I find I prefer the solitude of my own company.

When we were away from home, out to dinner, on vacation or doing business together, we would interact with the strangers all around. He more quiet, me more outgoing, but both involved in the conversation at hand. However, now that he's not here, I don't find it in me to initiate a conversation, to smile and say "hi". Is it the season of life I now live or a change in me that makes this so hard? I don't really know the answer to that query. All I know now is that meeting new people has become so much harder for me now than ever before.

It feels rather odd, this new way to approach it. As social and excited as I've always been, I find myself choosing isolation and time on my own. Those character traits more common to my husband, my Love. The One that I've lost. I find myself needing the quiet, wrapped in solitude of my own making. You see, I am not really here on vacation, and to join the fun. I am here to make it through this holiday season intact. You see, it's the first one. I don't want to fill my day with activity or my night with dancing. The sorrow and grief is heavy to bear. There is pain and there is stress that needs my care. I require more sleep and more quiet than before. Life has become a balancing act. The practice of determining how to handle my grief and sorrow this day. Sometimes it's for a moment, sometimes for the day. I have found that it changes somewhat from one day to the next.

As I learn to face these many "first occasions" without the love of my husband, my companion and friend, I find that the courage it takes to face down each one, just sucks the energy for each one that I face. As I learn to live with this new companion called grief, I stand and walk forward through this string of many firsts. The goal is not happiness, not joy nor hope. It is to just make it through these next 2 weeks emotionally whole, taking each day, one at a time.