"Here we are in His presence, lifting holy hands to Him. Here we are praising Jesus, for the things He's brought us through." (Dallas Holm & Praise).
This was a song I knew way back in college. One that touched me deeply. Today, it is a hard verse to sing. There has been a lot of death around me in the past 10 months. Friends, loved ones, parents of friends. There has been so many close to me who have experienced the death of a loved one. Or many deaths of loved ones.
Grief can bring one to their knees. Multiple deaths even more so. We love so deeply and the separation from that one(s) we love simply rips us in pieces. How do we stand it? Why does this happen? Can I continue on? How do I continue on? Where is God in the midst of all of this pain?
I am reminded that He carries us through the Valley of Darkness when we are so broken that we cannot take those steps ourselves. He sits with us in the darkness, holding us while we weep. He stands with us when we shake our fists in anger and when we just don't feel that we can go on.
Agony and brokenness and darkness and pain. Through it all, He is there, holding us close while we experience the pain of death and the deep sorrow afterwards. He's just there, holding us tight. Because the pain is so great, nothing else matters. But, as the sorrow and the wounds become scars, He touches us one day at a time. At first, He leads us to quiet waters. For some, it takes months, for others it takes years. But, He is there day by day for as long as it takes. Not right away, not in a week. But, one day, there is a voice and a hand providing guidance through the valley. And as we continue on, and question it all, a voice inside begins to speak.
The path to wholeness is not straight forward, it is not without set backs. And wholeness is not the 'same' as before. The hole becomes scar tissue....it never goes back to "normal". The path is convoluted and some days, not worth the pain. There is an emptiness that feels so very alone in our grief. There may be many people all around but it doesn't change the emptiness or loneliness caused by the hole that cannot be filled.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Saturday, April 23, 2016
What is Your Dream?
Dreams are deepest desires of One's heart. The thing that makes the words excited, breath becomes quick and the eyes smile. It is the thing that gives one a vision. I've been reading about being a dreamer. Thinking about what makes me feel excited. I have several, but today I am thinking only about one......being a wife, a companion and friend.
Today, I have learned that one of my deeply held dreams was to be a wife. I Loved being a wife, a support, a companion and friend. To be the strength when he was not, to be the one who came along side. This role caused me to feel deep, deep contentment and peace. I loved being the one he trusted with his deepest things whether they were visions or hurts. I loved being the one to protect him from the world when it was closing in. I never really understood that this was my dream, my purpose and the way God wired me. All I knew was that I felt deep contentment I enjoyed in my life and then it was ripped away.
In the midst of the darkness, it is hard to consider a dream. It hurts to know that this part of my dream has been taken away. It may come back, some day, I don't know God's plan for this part of my life. I know now that the fuel for my dream was that deeply contented feeling I had. It brought purpose to my life and a settled-ness to my soul. I was unaware of how much I was fulfilling my dream until my situation changed and he was no longer here with me.
Today, I ask myself (and you) what is the dream? How are you wired? What brings an excitement to your chest and a smile to your face? A vision that puts energy into your step, makes you short of breath as you think about it and an ache in your gut? Being a Dreamer never has been natural for me. In fact, I would say I am in the lowest percentile of Dreamers. I am leaning to put stuff down, to put legs into the things that cause me to have hope in a life that I love. Are you a Dreamer? What is it that makes your gut ache?
Today, I have learned that one of my deeply held dreams was to be a wife. I Loved being a wife, a support, a companion and friend. To be the strength when he was not, to be the one who came along side. This role caused me to feel deep, deep contentment and peace. I loved being the one he trusted with his deepest things whether they were visions or hurts. I loved being the one to protect him from the world when it was closing in. I never really understood that this was my dream, my purpose and the way God wired me. All I knew was that I felt deep contentment I enjoyed in my life and then it was ripped away.
In the midst of the darkness, it is hard to consider a dream. It hurts to know that this part of my dream has been taken away. It may come back, some day, I don't know God's plan for this part of my life. I know now that the fuel for my dream was that deeply contented feeling I had. It brought purpose to my life and a settled-ness to my soul. I was unaware of how much I was fulfilling my dream until my situation changed and he was no longer here with me.
Today, I ask myself (and you) what is the dream? How are you wired? What brings an excitement to your chest and a smile to your face? A vision that puts energy into your step, makes you short of breath as you think about it and an ache in your gut? Being a Dreamer never has been natural for me. In fact, I would say I am in the lowest percentile of Dreamers. I am leaning to put stuff down, to put legs into the things that cause me to have hope in a life that I love. Are you a Dreamer? What is it that makes your gut ache?
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
From Darkness into the Light
Walking back into the light after a trauma such as death of a spouse requires courage. It would be 'just easier' to stay in the darkness, accept the limitations on One's life. The excuse which many would accept, that it just hurts too much to go on living again.
The courage comes into play as one walks forward into a new life direction without the one they lost. The light shines brightly and highlights the hole and the shadows left by the absence of ones mate. The courage comes in when one has to decide what that new life will look like. What it will entail. How one will function. Even if all of the same activities continue as before, it is not the same due to the absence of that important One.
One gathers the courage to walk back into the light and create some semblance of a life once again. That life still feels empty and loneliness creeps in even if there are many around. But, initially, its just a life. Not really great. Not really worth it. Not really of any purpose. And, certainly not anything to enjoy. To dream? Not really looking to dream again either.
The dream at this juncture is an impossible one. To have my spouse back by my side. Nothing else feels as important as this one thing could be. So, that said, any other dreams are impossible to consider. Maybe the answer at this point in time is that the dream is to be able to exist in the light. To feel good about it and not be sad. One day, maybe dreams might exist again. But for today, being in the light is a huge step, and the extent of the reach.
The courage comes into play as one walks forward into a new life direction without the one they lost. The light shines brightly and highlights the hole and the shadows left by the absence of ones mate. The courage comes in when one has to decide what that new life will look like. What it will entail. How one will function. Even if all of the same activities continue as before, it is not the same due to the absence of that important One.
One gathers the courage to walk back into the light and create some semblance of a life once again. That life still feels empty and loneliness creeps in even if there are many around. But, initially, its just a life. Not really great. Not really worth it. Not really of any purpose. And, certainly not anything to enjoy. To dream? Not really looking to dream again either.
The dream at this juncture is an impossible one. To have my spouse back by my side. Nothing else feels as important as this one thing could be. So, that said, any other dreams are impossible to consider. Maybe the answer at this point in time is that the dream is to be able to exist in the light. To feel good about it and not be sad. One day, maybe dreams might exist again. But for today, being in the light is a huge step, and the extent of the reach.
Friday, April 15, 2016
The Tended Garden
In the garden that is my heart grow many flowers and much fruit. There is kindness and joy. There is gentleness and the ability to hold your hand. There is also a directness of speech designed to bring forth truth. Sometimes, boundaries to highlight.
I tend my garden. I bring in others who bring light and growth to fertilize my garden. I protect that garden from weeds and thorns. The light and growth come from many sources. God's word, my experiences and His people can each bring truth.
There is a limited number of spaces available around my garden. People come and people go as God brings them and takes them on a different path, other purposes and other gardens. It is my job to make sure that in my garden, the fruit gets sun and that the flowers are not burdened by thorns, weeds and other destructive forces. My job is also to bring light and truth to the gardens of those who have invited me to be a part of their garden as well.
There are many in this world who bring destruction and mold to the garden of life. It is those who I am to keep out of the garden of my heart. I don't always know who they are at first. It is the product of their words and actions that will tell me if they bring fruit and flowers or thorns. My job here is to root out the thorns and weeds, encourage the growth of the rest as it germinates in the soil within. Bringing forth growth and and depth and a beautiful scent.
All this tending is done to hold fast to the life that God has given. The purpose to bring a beautiful garden for Him and an aroma in His nose. That is the fertile garden of my heart.
I tend my garden. I bring in others who bring light and growth to fertilize my garden. I protect that garden from weeds and thorns. The light and growth come from many sources. God's word, my experiences and His people can each bring truth.
There is a limited number of spaces available around my garden. People come and people go as God brings them and takes them on a different path, other purposes and other gardens. It is my job to make sure that in my garden, the fruit gets sun and that the flowers are not burdened by thorns, weeds and other destructive forces. My job is also to bring light and truth to the gardens of those who have invited me to be a part of their garden as well.
There are many in this world who bring destruction and mold to the garden of life. It is those who I am to keep out of the garden of my heart. I don't always know who they are at first. It is the product of their words and actions that will tell me if they bring fruit and flowers or thorns. My job here is to root out the thorns and weeds, encourage the growth of the rest as it germinates in the soil within. Bringing forth growth and and depth and a beautiful scent.
All this tending is done to hold fast to the life that God has given. The purpose to bring a beautiful garden for Him and an aroma in His nose. That is the fertile garden of my heart.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
A Different Kind of Grief
My heart is now empty, the tears have all trickled out. He's gone from me forever, until we meet again in the forevermore. That day will be glorious, another meeting of the minds. To touch him and hold him and know we live together forever in peace.
Today my heart is empty, the tears have all dripped away. Longing for my Love. The one that was ripped away. My arms are empty, there is sorrow that fills my soul and deep sadness within. There exists an emptiness in my life all these months in.
My heart holds no more tears, they have all come and gone. I feel the longing for companionship. Aching for that deep abiding love. Missing the One who held my heart so tenderly with his gentle hands. The peace the love, the laughter we shared, never to be mine again.
The tears have all been shed but the sorrows still remain. I walk with many friends, providing much love and support. However, that one special spot that has been so full for so many years, it is that spot where the vacancy persists. The root of my anguish.
I find I do not cry much any more. My tears have apparently served the purpose of relieving my intense grief. I have some laughter and those times where I smile. I'm finding as I walk forward that the absence of tears does not equal the absence of grief. There seems to be new season of grief that has come my way. One with fewer tears, a quieter sorrow which resides deep within. An emptiness, an aloneness that no other can fill. It is that aloneness that is the root of my sorrow.
Today my heart is empty, the tears have all dripped away. Longing for my Love. The one that was ripped away. My arms are empty, there is sorrow that fills my soul and deep sadness within. There exists an emptiness in my life all these months in.
My heart holds no more tears, they have all come and gone. I feel the longing for companionship. Aching for that deep abiding love. Missing the One who held my heart so tenderly with his gentle hands. The peace the love, the laughter we shared, never to be mine again.
The tears have all been shed but the sorrows still remain. I walk with many friends, providing much love and support. However, that one special spot that has been so full for so many years, it is that spot where the vacancy persists. The root of my anguish.
I find I do not cry much any more. My tears have apparently served the purpose of relieving my intense grief. I have some laughter and those times where I smile. I'm finding as I walk forward that the absence of tears does not equal the absence of grief. There seems to be new season of grief that has come my way. One with fewer tears, a quieter sorrow which resides deep within. An emptiness, an aloneness that no other can fill. It is that aloneness that is the root of my sorrow.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Quest for Contentment
I really would like my life back just like before. To be happy and content with the life I had chosen. But the reality is that my life can never be just like it was before. The question at hand is whether or not, my life can include happiness, contentment and all of the rest? Can that kind of contented life be reestablished now that I am single again? A long time ago, I lived a decade as a single and had learned to be content. And then, I received the gift of a companion and spouse. I loved being part of his life. And now, I am single again. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Can I go back to the contentment of that past season? I just wonder if it is possible for my life to be happy once again?
The question always leads me back to the question of my faith. Do I believe that God has a purpose and a plan? And secondly, am I willing to rest in that plan which will the best for me?
The question always leads me back to the question of my faith. Do I believe that God has a purpose and a plan? And secondly, am I willing to rest in that plan which will the best for me?
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Courage
Courage. It is sometimes an elusive entity. Sometimes it's there and is unrecognized by oneself or others around them. Sometimes, that courage is fake or simply held in place by a thread. True courage is never faked even when it is small but growing. There is a reality to it that can be felt. Other times, that courage it is attacked by those who lack it or are ungrateful.
Courage. Sometimes one sees in looking in hindsight. An entity that existed back then, but was not recognized at the time, but is today. A piece of existence that can be acknowledged and appreciated now when it was not felt back then.
Courage. A gift not to be taken lightly. Not to be opened and offered to those who will not appreciate the gift. It is the walking forward into the vulnerable. Walking forward into the uncomfortable. It is the standing tall and following God's direction in the face of adversity.
Courage. Sometimes, it is the acceptance of God's will in the face of deep sorrow. Accepting the path that has been placed before me even though it is not what I have chosen for myself. It is walking forward when there is sorrow on the horizon knowing that God has a plan and a purpose some place beyond the black clouds of today.
Courage. It is ALWAYS a divine gift.
Courage. Sometimes one sees in looking in hindsight. An entity that existed back then, but was not recognized at the time, but is today. A piece of existence that can be acknowledged and appreciated now when it was not felt back then.
Courage. A gift not to be taken lightly. Not to be opened and offered to those who will not appreciate the gift. It is the walking forward into the vulnerable. Walking forward into the uncomfortable. It is the standing tall and following God's direction in the face of adversity.
Courage. Sometimes, it is the acceptance of God's will in the face of deep sorrow. Accepting the path that has been placed before me even though it is not what I have chosen for myself. It is walking forward when there is sorrow on the horizon knowing that God has a plan and a purpose some place beyond the black clouds of today.
Courage. It is ALWAYS a divine gift.
Familiar Paths
There are times in each life that causes big changes. Milestones of sorts. The progression from one school to the next, choosing and moving into a college, marriage, having children, changing jobs (especially if it requires a big move as well). Becoming a grandparent....I am sure that I am missing some but each one of these brings excitement, fear and courage, big and small decisions. Big decisions that color the life one creates for himself or herself.
Because I was single into my 30's, I made many of these big decisions as a "grown up" by myself. I faced many changes before marriage. Going to college, moving to a new state (more than once), changing jobs. I was used to building a life and making these choices.
Today as a widow, I'm finding that some of these choices feel similar as they did in my younger years. I guess the big difference here is that there is no real excitement or joy in making these choices because of my return to singleness. The decisions are just made to the best of my ability. However, the act of making decisions on my own is not new really. They are decisions that I did not ask for, those that I did not choose. But, I am finding that the familiarity from my early years is helping me now.
I guess what I am saying is that although some of the choices before me are colored by the fact that for many years, we made choices together. Now that I am making new choices for myself again, the 'ruts' of commonness exist from before. There is some comfort in the familiar paths under the sadness of choosing alone again.
Because I was single into my 30's, I made many of these big decisions as a "grown up" by myself. I faced many changes before marriage. Going to college, moving to a new state (more than once), changing jobs. I was used to building a life and making these choices.
Today as a widow, I'm finding that some of these choices feel similar as they did in my younger years. I guess the big difference here is that there is no real excitement or joy in making these choices because of my return to singleness. The decisions are just made to the best of my ability. However, the act of making decisions on my own is not new really. They are decisions that I did not ask for, those that I did not choose. But, I am finding that the familiarity from my early years is helping me now.
I guess what I am saying is that although some of the choices before me are colored by the fact that for many years, we made choices together. Now that I am making new choices for myself again, the 'ruts' of commonness exist from before. There is some comfort in the familiar paths under the sadness of choosing alone again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)