Holiday Observations.

It is "The Season" you know, the big one at the end of the year. The one that makes people nuts, running over other shoppers to get to their last "Must Have". I am different this year on the outside looking in.

I see the busy-ness, the shopping, the stress. We make such a big deal of all of our lists. There are cards and gifts and cookies to share. The trees the lights the parties galore. There is such expectation of ourselves and those around.  I wonder what it all means making this thing we call Christmas? We stress, we wear ourselves right out with the busy-ness we create. When the reason we celebrate means that we can have peace and celebrate that one "little" life. This day is one to be thankful for the gift, the babe that became man. He came to this place to bring is great light.  He brings us life in the midst of our strife. However, we have turned this whole season into something else all together. We turn this season into seemingly everything but.

This year I stand from the outside looking in and I wonder at the end of it all will we ask, "what was my purpose doing all of this stuff?" Did the baby Lord Jesus come out in my heart? Was He visible to others in the midst of my life? Were all the things we did that caused us such stress something so wonderful a celebration of His gift?

Divine Intrusion

There seems to be 3 sides of me as I look deep within. The mind (the thoughtfulness), the heart (the emotion) and the spirit within. When there is sorrow, I choose where to look to resolve what is there.Most of the time, because of who I am, I start with the emotions that exist. Right now, it is painful and my heart cries out in pain. But, if I look with the mind only, often, it will shut down the feelings of the heart and the emotions build and become more intense and eventually, become unbearable. In the same way, the heart wants full attention from all around. It will often shut out the mind and the logic that exists therein. Without the bringing together of the heart and the mind, the choices made are not really choices but reactions from the unacknowledged turmoil within.
Sometimes, the pain it too great, the mind is shut down. It is the spirit that communes with God when we need to hear. He brings out the lessons learned long ago. He brings me to a place where someone can speak, breathe words of God's wisdom that speaks truth to my heart.Then the spirit speaks quietly, my mind hears the truth, the heart hears the truth and suddenly are quite in sync and the heart can rest.
Several weeks ago, this was my situation, the hurt was more than I could bear. A man I have never met, spoke truth in a message, a sermon I listened to. Allow God to speak to my heart and my mind through the spirit. He brings peace to the struggle and brings me along. He understands my pain, my tears and my mind. I am thankful for the messenger he brought right along. Someone to speak truth into the deep dark despair. Bringing me the taste of His mercy right along. Thank you Jesus for those words your servant spoke, it gave me perspective and a rope with which to hold, a reminder of Your strong hand holding me up.  

Sitting in His Lap

Over the years when I walk a path feeling quite alone, I become sad and forlorn and my loneliness grows strong. I lie in my bed, tears of sorrow wet my pillow. I cry out to my Savior desperate for help in my despair. It is then that I feel His presence filling me full and comforting my soul.

My vision is clear in my mind as I lie  am there with Him. Singing songs that express my love and worship, my vision is that I see Him high and lifted up. He sits upon the throne above the clouds. The King in all of His glory and majesty.  But, there in that place, something amazing happens. A reflection of His great love for me. I am as a child invited to climb into His lap to be held and comforted as a child by her father. My tears are wiped away, His arms express His love. My hurt becomes peace.

I have experienced this vision on occasions when there has been much sorrow and I feel at the end of my rope. The God I love and am in relationship with is a kind Father. One who knows my hurt, my suffering and calms my hurt. There are many in our world who do not view God this way. I would contend that because of Jesus walk on earth, He experienced suffering similar to mine. It was caused from one person to another, or from the suffering related to illness and death. Our God experiences deep compassion from the sorrow we suffer here and as a result can provide comfort if we allow it. 

Our Lord stands there awaiting permission to walk near and provide that comfort. God is one of love, true and perfect love. If we refuse to allow Him in, His heart is bruised, broken and sad. But, He does not push His way into your life. When we reject Him and turn away, He respects the choice we make be sure. 
Back to my bedroom, I find comfort in Him there. He stands by my bed, absorbing my tears. Although I am physically alone, His love has been shared. In the end, I am calm, at rest and assured. The storm has subsided. I can move forward once again, strengthened for the journey. I remember Him sitting there high above on His throne, me the little child being held in His lap. This vision walks with me during the dark days I face. A reminder of my God, His loving arms holding me tight.. 

The Bin Inside of Me

There is a bin inside of me, it's tall and wide. The purpose of this bin is to house the emotion big and small. The laughter, the tears. The happy and the sad. They all reside inside this bin.

On those days, when grief hits me hardest, the bin fills quickly. When the bin overflows, the pain becomes heavy, the stress unbearable. I can't function nor walk forward on those days. There are ways to release the fullness that exists there. I write, I cry, I pray and I talk, I write some more. I feel the bin releasing its load. I move forward again. Some days, I spend the day, emptying the bin over and over and over again. Other days, I only empty the bin at the end of a day. Depends on the day, depends upon the pain. Some days the bin doesn't get full and can wait til tomorrow. Those days are few and far between. Most days, the bin requires attention time and again.  

The Strength of His Grip

In the current path I follow, God's plan for me has been tough. One of the lessons I've learned has given me pause as to an error in my thoughts. I am a strong woman, with a dedicated faith. As I have walked holding onto God's hand, my focus has been on my grip as I hold His hand. To hold tightly as I walk. To stay the path, no matter how strong the wind that comes to blow me away.

In the past, as I focused upon my grip, there was stress and anxiety. Alas, the correct answer here lies not in my grip but His. I am held lovingly in the arms of His Love. It is His strength, not mine imperative to the success of this journey, of the holding of my hand. When I realize His strength is sufficient for me here, there is such freedom. When my focus turned to His strength, His grip, my handhold becomes unimportant because it has been released to the comfort of His arms wrapped around me. Because you see, He does not ask me to walk a path on my own, He guides me and helps me, my strength not the care because its on His strength I depend, while I walk with Him here.

The lesson for me here has been twofold. The first is my belief that I am a "strong woman with a dedicated faith" I am focused on me, not the Lord my God. It actually takes away from my faith to focus upon my strength if that faith and strength originates and simply flows through me from the Father. It is like saying that the hose somehow produces the water that flows through it rather than coming from the original source.

The second is that that when I focus on my grip, my handhold, my focus is on my strength and there is anxiety there. There is the need to change my focus. And, when I do, I have learned that I experience the freedom He promised, the peace. 

The Holiday Season has Arrived.

The holiday season has arrived. There are blinking lights and holly everywhere.Impatient customers stand in a line. "Those computers they are SO slow."  Retail clerks smile, but are stressed. If only they knew how much worse it could be. You see, I stand in this line listening to those all around. Observing what is happening like I've never done before. My experience this year is so much different than it once was. I might have been one of those irritated customers in previous years. Today, I stand here feeling like an outsider looking in. Like in the theater watching a movie. I observe those around me but not really being a part. I deal with my own "stuff". I stand there just waiting knowing I am not whole. Dealing with my life being torn from me at will. I stand there so broken and hurting inside. Those all around me unaware of that side. They are shopping and irritated but not broken in two. I stand there just wishing for only one thing. One thing that will never be mine.

I smile to the lady behind the counter. She is concerned that I will be mad that she has to direct me to another line. She frets I will show irritation and I see it in her eyes. I am sorry that she is so concerned, I am sorry she is afraid. You know she has experienced that treatment, otherwise why would she stress. In other years I might have been one of those irritated customers she had to face. But, this year, these things seem to be so minor compared to my life here and now. My brokenness is more consuming to me right at the moment. I see her concern, I understand she can't help. I smile and say thank you for letting me know now. Those ladies behind me will give it to her now. I don't need to dump anything more on her plate. 

Really oh really walk in my shoes today. I feel so separate from the holiday world all around. Removed from the celebration, the busy and the joy. Also, removed from the stress of the day. I simply work to make it through each day. Being Wednesday or Thursday or Christmas day does not matter. It is just another day to get through all alone. To somehow make myself whole once again. I feel insulated from the trauma of the holiday season all around. 

Dear Clerk,

The clerk smiles and asks, "How are you today?"  "Ok", I respond, not willing to say more. He tries to make my day better, "Just OK?" I smile and nod, I don't say more. "I guess that's better than So-so" he says with a smile. I know he's trying so hard to draw me out. I really don't want to go there with him, I really don't. Believe me dear clerk, the interaction will be more comfortable for both of us if I just smile and pretend.

If I tell you that my husband died just 4 short months ago, you will be uncomfortable, you might not know what to say. I have come into the store with the holiday happiness all around. I try to ignore it all. However, its hard. So, getting into this discussion with you that I'm really not even "ok" is probably more than you want to know, especially because I will probably cry. I'm just trying to make it through these days, doing my annual stuff. When really, on the inside, I don't really want to see the lights and the tinsel and the happiness. I just want to make it through this first of many holidays without him.

Please, dear clerk, don't ask me again. I don't want to make you feel badly for asking. There is a line of people behind me, I don't want to be sad and teary here in the store, I may not be able to control my tears today. Let's just go on and finish the transaction. We can finish this and I can walk away. You can go on without knowing my sorrow within. I just can't pretend too much right now, it hurts. Let me just go on with your smile and nod.

I appreciate what you are trying to do for me, I really do. You are just trying to make my shopping experience a good one. However, no matter what you say, no matter what I do, it won't be happy this year, maybe next. Maybe never. So, please, let's just finish this transaction, smile and move on. I will leave and keep you in the dark. I promise you it will be easier for both of us today. You will be none the wiser and I will not show my tears. Thank you for trying to make my experience better, for this year, it will be much better if I only say "thank you" and turn away.

Merry Christmas, dear clerk, please love those around you. Our time here is shorter than we want. I appreciate your kindness and the effort you showed. I'm sorry I was not in a position to join you making our transaction more joyful. I appreciate you kindness dear clerk. But for today, please know that although I didn't join you in a happy conversation, I do appreciate your motivation and kindness with me today. 

A Reason to Live

It's been 4 months today. Life goes on for me somehow. I go forth with the business of life just because I have to. I pay the bills, I wash my clothes. The pain that's there still the constant in my life. I try to move on, still wondering "why"? Why did You take him? Why could he not be healed? Why do I have to move on without him? And, of course, How? I'm not really angry, I just feel the pain. It's sorrow, its confusion, trying to let go once again.

I have things to do and a life of sorts now. What seems to be missing is the feeling of value and purpose. The reason I am here and that makes me feel whole. I wonder why I'm still here, the 'standard' answer is that God has not taken me home. There is more for Him to do with me now, but somehow that doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel fair. It does not excite me, nor give me hope. It simply means that for now, I live, I walk forward as there is no other choice.

The feelings still hurt, but I separate from those, I make choices in faith in spite of the tears in my heart. There is a purpose of that I am sure. A reason to care. I have not found it on this day four months in. I assume that one day I will. But, for now, I wait. I live without that answer, I wait until it comes. A time of reflection. A time of the unknown.  A time of faith. I know that God is here with me now even though things don't make sense. There are lessons to be learned, God's purpose for this life is to grow. To be more like Him through it all. That process includes walking through the valley to get to the other side.

The journeys I have faced in other times long ago, have never been fun nor have they been easy. They do produce fruit, the strengths of my being. The growth is often painful, a struggle and a death. A death of the weakness, the problem or my flaw. God brings me to a place where my strength is a reflection of His hand, the beauty the artwork drawn in my path. As I look back, I remember the pain, the struggle to be faithful in the midst of the walk. I draw upon these memories, these thoughts of times long ago.

Those remembrances bring about healing and peace in my life now. I guess its not time yet for that answer to be clear. I hold tight to my Savior knowing He sees what is ahead. I know He is here walking through the valley with me. The pain of my burden is shared by my Friend. That gives me comfort in this space that is my now. I continue through this path. I walk forward today with my eyes focused above. Knowing each day, that no matter what comes,  He will see me through until  there is sun on my path once again. 

Memories, Those Flaming Arrows

The hurricanes of emotion have come and they've gone. On some painful days, those hurricanes return. The pain is constant and then my heart weeps. The shores are still stirred up and the waters muddied on those days. They are fewer now than they were before.

The change I feel is pretty dramatic. When the pain hits on these days be sure, they are flaming arrows flying through the air. The arrows strike at some moment in time. Although the pain is not unexpected, when it hits it can be a surprise. At times they pierce the heart, the unexpected sharpness drives deep. The shock of the moment brings most everything to a halt. Its not the same hurt that I experienced before.

I'm living this life as normal as I can. Then this sneaks up from behind and takes my breath away for sure. Standing in the bedroom there's his familiar smell. Walking in the grocery, his favorite aisle to be endured. These little things remembered that take aim at my heart.The pain can be shocking and then takes its toll. It's exhausting be sure. I cancel my plans, go home and rest up. Those arrows take their toll like the hurricanes from before. 

He Took Care of Me

You know, I have always been a pretty independent woman. For better or worse, I have been strong and stubborn. Buddy used to call me the "German/Irish" side of the family, LOL. Being the follower was hard for me. I worried that somehow I would be less valuable, a lesser part of the whole. Somehow, by being the "follower", my role would be diminished, less important. and that somehow I would be unhappy with that place in our space. As we worked together and grew,  I realized that I was free to do what I enjoyed best without having to manage it all.

What I have learned now that he's gone is that he spent much time that last year, using those gifts preparing for me now. His decisions were specific, his preparations were clear. He was spreading his wings to make forward plans for my heer and now. Now that I have made it to this side of his death, I see the things he did in advance, he prepared a path making things ready for me, as much as he could anyway. In his kind way he thought ahead, prepared and put things in place. It was his love shown to me in his practical way.

It's made me stop, look back and reflect there from the place I am now, of all the ways he led our path, he prepared. He did that "administrator" thing. In the midst of his illness and impending end of life, he was concerned that I be cared for and put forth the effort in little things and big to help pave my way as I walk further here.

So, from this view now, I wonder why, way back then, I had such concerns at the start? My role of follower, caregiver and support was one I was made for and it fit me just right. It did not make me less important, just deeply loved. I learned to allow him to shelter me here. Now that he's gone I feel it acutely. My protector, my guy is no longer here. Without my knowledge, he did some preparation, I've experienced it now. It's just so odd to be back at the helm, living alone and filling his shoes. Funny how I miss that following role. When once I was concerned about letting it go, today I am sad that it is fully in my control. That role that was once so comfortable, not so now.