Seeking Your New Purpose

Purpose. What is your purpose? I continue to think about this subject as it has struck a chord for me. I have an empty space that is where my God-given purpose is suppose to reside. I have struggled with not feeling like there was purpose since becoming a widow.

Hear me, I was not suicidal, there just didn't seem to be anything that satisfied that need. Nothing that fully filled that empty space. You know, the one that used to include the day to day life, dreams and visions we shared for our life together.

I find that I am doing many activities which have great value in my life. The support of friends and family has been a tremendous gift. However, when I attempt to put these activities into that space, the space is not filled. It still feels dry or somehow "not right". Attempting to fill that void with activities that are not really my purpose causes anxiety (of trying to find my purpose), or disappointment (when the activity does not create peace and fullness) and ongoing emptiness.

I believe that a better choice is to leave the void as is. Accept the important activities as important, but not "the purpose I am called to". To rest in the understanding that God will bring that purpose to me (and you) when the time is right. To understand that important activities and "purpose" are 2 different things, separate and fulfill different purposes in our life. It is God's action, not mine that is vital here. Other than following, of course.

Several bible verses came to mind as I worked through these thoughts:
1. Be Still and Know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)
2. He is abundantly able to do more than you ask or hope. (Ephesians 3:20)
3. I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly. (John 10:10)
4. Wait upon the Lord and renew your strength. (Isiah 40: 31)

Building a New Foundation: New Purpose

I read a blog from someone I respect in regards to finding one's purpose after the death of a spouse. He acknowledged that the life and dreams one had are no longer as the other person involved was no longer here to "do life" with anymore. The dreams and visions for our life together no longer exist. For me, the expanse before me was an expanse of destruction as far as I could see. Initially, I wandered aimlessly around in the midst of the destruction. Life was no longer the same.

The rebuilding of a life starts with clearing the debris. This by itself is not accomplished quickly. Sometimes, the physical items are removed quickly, however, the emotional debris takes much longer. Once the debris is cleared, building a foundation is the next step. This foundation is, in part, the decision to find a way to go on. (The alternative is to stop living and wait for life to end). It requires building a new life, new dreams. It involves finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning. This also  does not happen overnight, it is a process. It may even take months or years. The vision of a new life may only be a shadow seen in the distance right now. However it comes, it is crucial for this one nugget of life become planted in one's heart. Without it, there is only a backward looking vision for one's life.

For me, letting go of the life we had created much pain and some guilt. The only thing I held onto during that time was that apparently, God still had some purpose or I would not be here. Although I didn't know what it was, or how life could ever be satisfying again, I clung to my faith and worked to move forward. I have learned some 18 months later that in many ways, I still do not have a clear vision of my purpose. I am involved in many important activities, but none feel like my "calling" or 'purpose". I still cling to the knowledge that He will reveal it to me in His time. I guess my message today is also that it is okay to create a new life, new dreams and a new existence. Building a foundation is an important step in the process of going on. 

Not Staying Stuck

I read a blog last week that has caused me to think about a couple of things. The first is that when there is grief from the death of a loved one, there are several choices one can make. Avoidance of the pain is one choice. Getting stuck in the sorrow or in the anger is another. All of these are valid choices, but in order to be healthy and resolve the grief, at some point, one needs to come to the place where they face the grief and walk through the darkness to get to the other side.

Hear me out. I know that during the painful path of grief, there is a time to shut down and avoid the intensity of the pain. There is a place where anger exists. Both of these are necessary places to be for a period of time during the resolution of grief. I am more talking about folks who stay in these places of unhealthiness. The choice to mend our sorrows is the healthy choice.

As an example, many years ago, I experienced anger (ongoing, unresolved anger) at the loss of a career. I spent years and years being angry and blaming others. Today, I can look back at the situation and see the issues that belonged to me and those that did not. I can see the weaknesses of others that affected the decisions that were made. Sadly, I can also look back on the anger that consumed me over the situation and the energy it consumed year after year. I believe that in the long run, I could have made the choice to resolve anger more quickly, put the situation behind me more quickly and expended much less energy. The choices I made were related to my coping skills at the time. However, I wonder if there would have been so much less angst had I been able to move ahead more quickly. How much different would my day to day happiness been if I had done so? In the end, hind sight is always 20/20. As I think about my grief today however, there are lessons to be brought to the forefront.

Losing a loved one is SO much bigger than my loss of career. However, the path through the anger is similar. The path through to acceptance is there as well. I fully understand that this is not easy or a happy time. But, caring for one's emotional health is valuable and important. Avoidance of the pain and shutting down will often bring heart ache, pain and maybe illness. 

Choosing to Walk Forward Through the Many Layers

After the death of a spouse, there is a choice to be made. The choice is to walk forward or to stay still. From the outset, my choice has been to walk forward To some, it may not look like it. Probably because there were oceans of difficult emotions to work through. I may have 'looked' like I was standing still, but I was not. Each day, I chose to walk through and work through the grief, resolving each sorrow. It takes time, energy, extra sleep. On the surface, it may have looked like I was giving up and giving in. Some days, were days of rest and recuperation. Other days were climbing the mountain, working through the valley. And following God's direction.

Know this if you have a grieving friend that the path is not straight. It is sometimes circular and repetitious. It requires moving forward. It requires rest. It requires tears and anger and pain. It is a long path, not one easily accomplished. The layers of pain are many and each one has to be explored and resolved and put to rest. Think of the many layers of an onion or artichoke. Walking this path is hard work. Know this: it takes courage and strength to face it each day and be able to bring the torn edges of life close together to be stitched and mended. It requires courage and energy to accomplish this goal. Big emotion does not mean that someone is "giving up" and "staying stuck". Big emotion often means that a new layer of sorrow has been discovered and will take time to work through.

Now that it has been awhile....18 months to be exact, it might look like I am walking forward more easily. However, just because I'm able to 'choose' to make decisions that are good for me doesn't mean that underneath it all, I do not struggle new layers of sorrow that knock me flat. It does not mean that decisions are 'easier' or 'less traumatic'. And, it does not mean that my walk through grief is any less of a choice than during those early days of widowhood. The path is the same. The layer may be different. But, the choice to move on and be courageous is still the same. 

Finding Pockets of Wounds Even Now

 Akin to ripping a scab off of a large wound, I occasionally find pockets of woundedness. The unknown grief that I am unaware of. It causes me to make choices counterproductive to my chosen path. When I attempt to move forward, my little self rushes around trying to keep everything the same. Keep the memories, keep the world as I knew it without change as if it would keep us together. That struggle of the bigger me making change and the little me trying frantically to keep stuff the same causes anxiety, exhaustion.

There is a sense that I have moved several steps back. Its not. I have uncovered new layers of sorrow that take time to acknowledge. By exposing these hidden pains, I can do the emotional work necessary to bring resolution with time and effort.

Peeling Off the Layers

Emotional responses are strong. Stronger than they used to be. When I am frustrated, I get frustrated quickly. When I get anxious, I get very anxious. I have always been a bit of a worrier, this too has been exacerbated. I wonder why this is?

I have contemplated this and think about the emotional explosion involved in becoming a widow. The life I chose is no longer. The familiar life I lived has now changed enormously. I have become very aware of many emotions running throughout my days. Sometimes, it is like a roller coaster. Tears have been many.

Now, as I patch my life back together, those emotions continue to run near to the surface. It is almost as if the protective layer I used in the past has become thinner. Maybe being more transparent is a better description. It seems that I am more aware than I used to be.

How about you? Have you had these same experiences? Are your emotions near the surface? Or are they deeper down. Hidden to keep the pain away?

Be Gentle with Yourself

I heard these words several times during the first months of widowhood. Even when I sought legal advice. He told me to "be gentle with yourself". I was speaking to a friend this week about this subject. We have so many expectations of ourselves and when we are plunged into grief, we often become disappointed with our self because we are not "doing" all the things we "should be doing".

Looking back, there were a couple of reasons:

1. Grief saps energy- This was the biggest one for me. I had so much grief in front of me that caused so much sorrow, I didn't have any energy left over to even attempt the smallest of projects. I struggled to get the most basic of things done...like take a shower when I didn't need to be anywhere. I napped often, (also because I was not sleeping well) and was still tired all the time. Grief is exhausting.

2. Feeling overwhelmed-There are So very many things that need to be done, especially at first. The day I went to the DMV to have his name taken off of a title, was exhausting and overwhelming. It took me 3 weeks go get up the energy to do this one item. If you can imagine that in addition to expectations of ones self, there are all of these projects that have to be done....I call them the "death duties" left over after a loved one dies. There was great sadness and anxiety about 'erasing his existence' by removing his name from various accounts and such. It goes back to #1, so much energy required. It is not life as usual.

3. Sadness associated with the activity-There is such sadness associated with things like going through his clothes, sorting through his hobby supplies and etc. The ability to do these projects stirs up sadness that is already pretty intense. When you are ready to face it, maybe there is a friend whom you trust that can come and be with you? 

4. Lack of focus- It is often difficult to concentrate, complete a task or you become clumsy. These behaviors are common and affect what and how much we can accomplish. A friend told me to be careful...she was right. I was more clumsy.

I had to learn that I was more important than any of these "projects" or "activities". I still have a ginormous list of things to do that weigh on my mind and its been 16 months. There are days that I just couldn't do the dishes....I had to work to fix something to eat. Eating was more important than forcing the issue of the dishes. As I resolved the terrible terrible pain, I have found that doing these daily items has become easier again. I have not yet been able to attempt much of the sorting of his stuff.

So, I learned to put my expectations of myself in the background and ask myself what I needed today. Sometimes it was a nap, sometimes it was to get out of the house for a drive, sometimes it was to journal. I made these answers that came to me priority.

Here is a thought:

• G - Gentle. Be gentle with yourself. Put yourself first for awhile each day. Do not       flagellate yourself with all these "things" that you usually do and you just don't seem to be able to do. 
• R - Rest. Grief and intense emotions will wear you out. Take a nap if you need it. Go to bed early if necessary. Take breaks. Maybe read a book to relax. 
• A - Allow yourself to put your "expectations of yourself" on the back burner for now. Wearing yourself out trying to do it all is not going to help you or anyone else. Let some things slide so that you can take care of you and others who might need you. 
• C - Care for yourself. Take the time to do what you need for yourself. You are important. It feel selfish, when in fact is it self care. Brush your teeth. Eat even if it is comfort food. See the doctor and/or counselor. 
• E - Emotions. They exist whether you acknowledge them or not. If you stuff them, they will come out in other ways.  Find ways to express them in a healthy way. A trusted friend or family member, a counselor, keeping a journal. Closing them off will often affect your health, your relationships. Not everyone will need the same expression, but the willingness to open the pipeline rather than close the valve is the key. 

Remember that this terrible, all consuming pain, if addressed, needs expression. Needs patience and grace. We might have for a period of time, maybe a very long period of time, adjust the way we live our life to accommodate our sorrow. Individuals in a family will all have this need and each express it differently. Grace is the key. Give yourself grace.

Two Sides of a Coin

When I speak with others about their loss, I hear them say, I miss talking with my mom almost every day. Or a widow told me that she still "tears up" on occasion almost 25 years later. That causes me to ask the question, "Is the grief process ever complete?"

I ask this question as I look at life. In spite of completing projects, touching the lives of others and enjoying friends, a look inside oneself continues to hold a sad hunk of pain. The pain and anguish no longer consumes each moment of the day.  But, that hunk, it colors the view of whatever has been accomplished. It is just there and never really goes away. I have begun to think that asking when the pain will end is asking the wrong question?

I wonder if from here on out, the heart has become like a 2 sided coin. One side has purpose and happiness. The other side has been broken and is now mended but there is scaring that when stretched becomes painful again. It is the side that contains the place belonging to him. It is the place where shared memories and dreams are stored.

These 2 parts of will now coexist. The happy will always be tinged with a sprinkling of sad. The watercolors of purpose and satisfaction also contains the color of sorrow. The movie of my life will look through a lens that is filtered through both sides of that coin. 

This life-viewing lens has been altered due to the experience of loss. It is now molded differently to include  the experience of grief. My point is as a result of deep sorrow, there now exists a greater sense of perception, an increased strength, a different capacity for compassion, or better insight. Changes as a result of working through the process of grief after loss. Capacity within not existing before the experience of loss. Will that scarred portion of the heart help bring one to see and speak wisdom not evident previously?

Never would I say that "God had a reason" to take a loved one away. Nor would I say that "He had a purpose". Those comments are simply cruel to be spoken to a grieving person. However, for me, the valley has been dark, and as I come forward, I wonder for myself if these changes can be seen within me? I wonder what they mean for me as I walk forward into a life I now build.

In many ways, I have more questions than answers, but this I know, for me, it always comes back to the faith that God walks before me guiding this dark unknown. It comes back to the quest to follow my Father through obedience and grace. 

A Year Behind Me and The New Year Ahead: An Evaluation

I look back on the whole of last year. I see that I have fought to climb out of a hole and often slid back. There has been enlightenment and sorrow; rebuilding and uncertainty. I have walked a path that is as individual as each person facing it in their own life.

I have been called courageous and vulnerable. I have felt weak and strong. I have cried rivers and been angry through the dark path. I still wonder where "normal" is in the midst of it all. I feel that I have accomplished much but it appears that much is left undone.  

The previous life that I loved no longer exists. Building a new life with choices I was not prepared to make. It is difficult to move into this new life when I want the one that I had before. It appears that with the new year ahead of me I will examine the options and build the best way I can. In many ways I feel stretched and uncertain as to what is the right path

The biggest question before me is: how do I function with this ongoing grief as a part of me? I have been torn from my best friend and the one I love. Now I walk forward and become someone new. My life was taken, shredded and no longer exists. The path before me is to rebuild. My other choice was to stay in the muck. For me, that was never a good choice. I was called forth through the valley of darkness and into the Light.

The darkness is not erased and the light not fully bright. However, the path is not as dark as it was a year ago. My intentional choices this past year have built strength. Sorrow and grief consume a smaller space each day than before. But there still remains much confusion and uncertainty as to the steps to accomplish rebuilding process. It is trying to make sense of the puzzle pieces that appear to be strewn all around.

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