It has been just more than a year. It seems like I "should" be ready to move on. Some days, I am quite productive, others, not so much. The process of whittling down our life into my life is still overwhelming, it creates a paralysis.
I had been advised not to make major decisions until after one year. After one year, all of the "firsts" would have come and gone. I think that I developed an unconscious belief that went something like this: "If I can make it to the year mark, it will all be easier." So, although I didn't realize it but I looked to 'just hang on' until I got to that year mark. Holding on is something I have had to do in the past, so was familiar. For those weeks, things went rather smoothly.
However, I then got past the hard, painful, terribly difficult anniversary. I had made it.....however, things were not really easier. I was just a widow in her second year of widowhood. In some ways, that disappointment was even more depressing. That caused the uphill climb to be harder, the sadness deeper and I wondered why? It turns out I had set myself up for that disappointment without knowing it.
Today, my struggle is the emptiness of my life. Not to say I do not have many activities. It is the difficulty not sharing that life with my loved one. I can stand and look out over the expanse called "my life" and know that it is the "my" in that term instead of the "our" that hurts the most.
The main question I face is will there be a time and a place in which I get back to "happy" again? I expect that this is not a short term question with a short term answer. I just know that the path in the 14th month is not much different than the 9th, 10th or 11th month.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Monday, September 5, 2016
We Each Are a Piece of the Whole
Life is made of many pieces, like the squares in a quilt. There are values, morals, emotions activities, people we love. All of these pieces are sewn together and create the quilt that makes up the backdrop of a life. Each square of the quilt is trimmed, stitched and then attached to the other squares.That emotion or value is now part of the whole. Some pieces are the same fabric and color, others are not. Some quilts are lined in orderly rows, evenly spaced. Other quilts are compiled in an apparently haphazard fashion with different sized pieces comprising the whole.
There are times when a quilt becomes worn and torn through the storms of life and is in need of repair. As part of that repair process, a piece here and there may be replaced with with another, stronger or different square. As we age, hopefully, our maturity comes from living through those storms. That in life is called growth.
When we compare ourselves to each other, our "quilts" are all a little different from each other. Each quilt may be similar in color and size, and depth or when comparing ourselves, someone else's quilt may be quite different. Their personality or life experiences make the squares in their quilt different....their values or views different than mine, than yours. There may be similarities when held side by side or there may be different patterns, different pieces, even different stitching. The thing about quilts is that no matter the size, shape or stitching, they serve a similar purpose. Warmth. In the same way, we are all human, all emotional beings, whether our emotional make up is similar to someone or much different. Like a quilt being for beauty and warmth, each of us, whether different or similar in style, are human.
Our personalities, our gifts are given by our Creator. Some of us express brightly, others more softly. Some of us provide strength. Others provide the lace and still others are in the background supporting and giving depth to those bright or lacy squares. Sometimes, because of those differences, there is pull on the stitching where we move in opposite directions. As humans, we do not always agree, sometimes those differences create strength, sometimes a hole that then requires repair.
Our differences create beauty and contrast; strength and holes in the fabric. We together make our families and communities better and whole in spite of all of the differences in our emotional make up, opinions and life purpose. The key is allowing God, our creator build, repair, meld and hold the quilt together. Finding ways to make beauty out of our contrast.
The thing here is that the squares are all there for a purpose. Emotions too. They are a reflection of the climate within. Sometimes dark and stormy, other times bright and sunny. The strongest relationships are those in which each member is honored, respected and valued. Those contrasting pieces sewn together are more beautiful than one or the other by itself.
There are times when a quilt becomes worn and torn through the storms of life and is in need of repair. As part of that repair process, a piece here and there may be replaced with with another, stronger or different square. As we age, hopefully, our maturity comes from living through those storms. That in life is called growth.
When we compare ourselves to each other, our "quilts" are all a little different from each other. Each quilt may be similar in color and size, and depth or when comparing ourselves, someone else's quilt may be quite different. Their personality or life experiences make the squares in their quilt different....their values or views different than mine, than yours. There may be similarities when held side by side or there may be different patterns, different pieces, even different stitching. The thing about quilts is that no matter the size, shape or stitching, they serve a similar purpose. Warmth. In the same way, we are all human, all emotional beings, whether our emotional make up is similar to someone or much different. Like a quilt being for beauty and warmth, each of us, whether different or similar in style, are human.
Our personalities, our gifts are given by our Creator. Some of us express brightly, others more softly. Some of us provide strength. Others provide the lace and still others are in the background supporting and giving depth to those bright or lacy squares. Sometimes, because of those differences, there is pull on the stitching where we move in opposite directions. As humans, we do not always agree, sometimes those differences create strength, sometimes a hole that then requires repair.
Our differences create beauty and contrast; strength and holes in the fabric. We together make our families and communities better and whole in spite of all of the differences in our emotional make up, opinions and life purpose. The key is allowing God, our creator build, repair, meld and hold the quilt together. Finding ways to make beauty out of our contrast.
The thing here is that the squares are all there for a purpose. Emotions too. They are a reflection of the climate within. Sometimes dark and stormy, other times bright and sunny. The strongest relationships are those in which each member is honored, respected and valued. Those contrasting pieces sewn together are more beautiful than one or the other by itself.
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