Clearing the Rubble

I stand in a place I never wanted to be. I am starting to build a life separate from my man. It is a blank canvas awaiting me to choose a color to begin. Many of the wounds have been repaired. Never the same, but healed enough for life to continue forward. What do I choose? What do I want? The thing I still want most, I can never have. Other choices seem somewhat irrelevant. And yet, an empty existence is not what I want either.

My grief is set aside. I look out upon the expanse called "my life." It is like a city destroyed by a hurricane or bomb. I see rubble all around me. The gas tank that drives my vehicle through the rubble is often near empty. Some days, my tank provides more mileage than others.

Over the past months, I have made a few choices beginning this rebuilding process. Sadly, it still feels pretty empty. Even during weeks of busy days, I find that there is still an emptiness. It is an emptiness due to a missing love, a missing bond, a missing friend. We shared it all, together. That emptiness is not due (much anyway) to the lack of activity, but the loneliness that comes from not being able to share each day with my special love. I move into the rubble, figuring out what to do. How to make sense of the life that is now forever changed. A life that feels less important, less interesting, less valuable and less enjoyable than it once was.

I've come to the realization that the bottom line is that each day is a choice. Do I choose to live my life with value or do I choose to simply exist? Do I choose to believe that God still has a plan for my life and seek His guidance or do I choose to give up and simply wait for the end of my life here on earth?
 

It's Been 1 Year

He was taken from me one year ago today. The path of grief is not a straight path. Nor is is the same intensity one day to the next.  As I work through whatever is there, I find that the face of my grief changes. Initially, the pain was constant, overpowering all else. Later, it became like an arrow, striking at unknown times, bringing me to my knees. Lately, its like a painful scar. Some days, I can ignore it somewhat, other days, I am intensely aware.  It is always there, never back to "normal".

The other challenge of my life has been to live again, to create a life. One which has value and purpose. To go beyond my grief and sorrow and create meaning now that he is not here sharing it with me. This challenge has been harder than I would have ever dreamed. A task that many days is more than I can bear.

I find that I have activities on my calendar. I spend time and invest in the lives of those around me. I participate in activities bringing me close to others, providing love and support much akin to other seasons in my life. However, these days, there is a cover of sorrow creating a sense of uselessness, a lack of real purpose. I may laugh, I may tease, I may be fully engages, however under it all there exists a sense that is is just existence. The sunshine in my life is hidden behind a dark cloud seemingly never to return.

I spend my days climbing out of this dark hole. Many days, I have success. Some days, however, the task is more than I can bear. All days, I wonder if my life will ever be happy again? Will I reach a mountain top or will I live in the shadows? How does one live with the ongoing sorrow and become whole again? These are questions that have no answers at this point in my growth.

I walk forward one day at a time.I trust that because I am still here that God has a purpose for me still. The purpose is unclear, the way ahead is still dark. I choose to trust that God has a plan that as of yet I cannot see. I do the things I feel called to accomplish, touch those God has placed in my path. On the days that are hard, I allow myself grace.