Am I Really Honoring His Memory in this Existence I have Chosen?

Today, I am looking at the possibility of getting a new job. A new career path for me. Of course it will bring new challenges for me to accomplish. Other new things that I am accomplishing are that I am writing now, not something I did regularly before. And, I am building a small business of my own. All expressions of using my gifts for the greater good and honoring God with my life. These are all good things. The rebuilding of my life. The replanting of the barren field that exists because his death. A kind of moving on.

There is, however, a voice in the back of my head. The voice of a "little one" screaming "NOOOOOOO, I don't WANT to move on." The reason for this is because moving on means that I am leaving him behind. That I have already lost SO much, to loose more of him is unthinkable. I would rather live in this semi-existence of life, holding onto the memories I have.

However, my I say to this "little one" inside my head, continuing to live this semi-existence is not going to keep him here, it is not going to help me hold on. It is simply me choosing not to live well. To choose to semi exist. It is not really keeping him with me. I can do that anywhere. So, this semi existence is a way to stay sad. To not face the world alone. To be blunt, an excuse not to live my life without him here.

It's a harsh reality I face this day. That belief that I still don't want to live again. I would rather semi exist and sort of punish myself in the name of his memory than to truly take him along on my new journey. I still don't know how to bring him along. To walk ahead without feeling like I am being disloyal. But, I also know that this semi existence is not really honoring his memory, it is a cocoon that I needed for awhile that now is a way to hide away from the part of life that requires me to face the world alone, without my true love, in the world as a single person once again. That cocoon allowed a place of healing once, but now, becomes a place of avoidance. It takes courage to walk on, to become a butterfly and leave this place. There is a resistance and a reluctance. I'm not sure what it will take to move on from here. There is still a conflict within my soul that I need to resolve before I can fly out of this existence.