The Tape Inside Your Head.

What is the message you tell yourself each day? Do you build yourself up or tear yourself down? 

We each have a "tape" in the back of our heads that plays, usually we are unaware of its message. That message often causes our behavior/choices. Causes our success or failure in many situations. What is the message you are giving yourself? And, that unconscious message affects the message you give to others about yourself or about them.

I heard these words from a talk that a soccer coach was giving. It reminded me of the first time I was given this same information from a counselor. These messages we give ourselves can directly affect our feelings about ourselves, our success in achieving a goal. It can also affect our message to another either building them up or tearing them down. What does that message say?

A Birthday Has Come and Gone

A birthday has come and although it was nice, my ongoing grief muted the joy of the day. The pain was not as intense as some other holidays I have faced since his death. But, it was just not the happy event of previous years. When I compare this one with the rest, what is missing, of course, is the close bond and friend, the Love of my life. We shared such a closeness that now has been taken away from me.
My heart is just lonely and I'm not sure just how to bring him with me into the rest of my days. That seems to be the question I face day after day. How is it possible to bring him along? He would want me happy, to not live in this all consuming grief forever. He will always have a place in my heart and my mind. And I know without a doubt that he would want me to move along.

How does one move right along after such loss? How do I live a life after he was torn away? How do I keep him with me and move in the direction that my path takes one day at a time? Questions, questions, each day I sigh. If I had answers the path would be more clear. 

Finding Another Grocery Store....Preserving My Peace

I went into the grocery store to pick up some chicken. Not my favorite store, but its the once closest to my house. Sadly, the days when Buddy was so very ill, I went here often because I needed to make my purchases and get home quickly afterwards.

This store has no memories except the ones attached to his illness. There are items I purchased often during those times that I have never regularly purchased before and do not now. I walk by the shelves that house those items. Things I no longer purchase. Things that remind me of him or his illness or his needs or his medications or his difficulties during treatment. It is all there. It is those items that bring the sadness to the forefront once again. 

I need to find another store to buy my food. This deep sadness never strikes when I shop in other stores. Just this one store holds the power to bring sorrow. I assume that it will always bring some pain here and again. I know it won't always be this sharp and difficult hurt. But, I guess I feel like I shouldn't hurt at all. If there are other stores where the pain never joins me, then why subject myself to these difficult and hurtful times? I just need to take care to shop elsewhere, at least for now. 

Valentine's Day, Another of Those 1st Holidays

Valentine's Day, the celebration of love. It was not his favorite holiday. In general, he felt that most holidays were overblown. He was of the belief that each day was to be celebrated and each holiday was 'just another day'. I on the other hand, appreciated taking a day to focus and celebrate our love. Not in the commercial way of spending a bunch of money. But, an acknowledgment of our love, the success of our marriage and our great friendship. It was a day in these last years, generally stayed home and had a special dinner.

Today has been a hard day. It took me several hours to figure out that I was struggling. So, the goal for my day became taking a shower and eating. It has been an exhausting day filled with sorrow and sadness. Missing my best friend and companion. Missing some of our simple traditions. I will eat my dinner alone tonight and probably either watch a movie or go to bed and read. It is the struggle and a success of sorts to make it through another of these 1st holidays.

It is days like today that make me wonder if I will be happy again. As it is, my grief takes up so much space in my heart, in my head and in my life. I trust that it is possible. That one day, in my future there will be light again. At this point, I don't see it. I have days that are not as hard, and days that are much harder. But none feel like they are happy days.

The next holiday of the 1st holidays is my birthday. Hard because it is less than a week away. Easier because I have often chosen an activity for myself to do on that day, just for myself. I am sure it will be bitter sweet.

Today has all but come to a close. Thankful it's almost over. 

An Unclear Direction

There is this place that I currently live. It is located in a valley. On one side of me is a mountain. Near the top is where my life used to be. Sometimes, I was near the very top, it was full of joy, enthusiasm and sparkle. There is also some places up there that I lived some days. Like being in the crevices. There were more clouds, and difficulties, but still near the mountain top. Times there were hard, but I would get back to the sunshine and sparkle without much difficulty.

It has been awhile since I've existed in either the crevices or the sparkle up on that mountain. It's been almost 2 years. Two years since a terminal diagnosis completely changed the existence I called life. That was the day our lives were forever changed.

I am a widow now, it's been 7 months. And, I continue to find myself in this valley of grief. I look up and see this place that I used to live. The place where life's normal ups and downs were just life. There was happy and sad and happy again. I think that my path will lead me in the general direction again. Up the side of the mountain to somewhere that will be my new "normal". I assume that my direction will not lead to exactly where I used to exist because my life is so different now. But, up on that mountain somewhere.

The dilemma that I face as I look up these days is that I see the place up there that is familiar, in the general direction that I think I should go. However, the beginning of the trail that I take to get up there is not clear to me. I don't know how to get to the beginning of that path. I know where I need to get to, but emotionally don't know how to get there.

I realize that at some point, I need to move on with my life. I've accepted the fact that sitting here in the valley clinging to my grief does not really keep me close to him as I my heart tells me it will. What I accomplish is to cling to my pain. I realize that this counterproductive. To think that keeping myself in my pain in the hopes that I will hold onto my Love simply keeps me from being free to live the life that God apparently still has for me to live.

As I turn around to move in the direction of the trailhead, I don't see it. The path I need to take is not clear to me at this juncture. I feel a little bit in limbo. I have accepted the fact that clinging to my pain is not a healthy option for me emotionally. I do not know how I can keep him close or whether that is even possible from my place in life.

I am ready to move onto the next place in my journey. But I am not sure where to go, or how to begin. And, the hardest part of all is knowing that no matter where this next path leads, the sorrow and the pain await me there. Because no matter where I go on this path called 'my life', he is not longer here. No longer part of the fabric of my existence. He is only here in my thoughts and memories. Somehow, it is not enough. It feels as if it will never be enough.

I wonder if those feelings are the reason that I am in limbo. Because I am not ready yet to move on. That once these feelings are more resolved, the trailhead will be clear and I can  continue the journey up the side of the mountain. 

The Discussion Between My Head and My Heart

My head knows it takes the effort to move forward to put my life back together. My heart is not ready yet. The idea of moving forward without that man that I loved being physically here is heart wrenching.

My head knows that I have him with me wherever I go. My heart says, "what if I forget?" "What if I lose more of him?" My head knows that I have decades of memories and conversations and love that I can keep with me forever. My heart says "But, he's not here to be with me now." There is this ongoing discussion between my head and my heart. We were always together and now I am alone. Not only is he missing in building our life, but that unity, that bond, that part of me that he occupied is now empty. I feel extraordinarily all alone. The next step for me is to grow. To build a life that is mine and mine alone. I know intellectually that this is the next step. But emotionally, I don't know where to begin.

It is exhausting. To the point that many days, I just have to shut down. To find a way to take a break. Read a book, watch a movie. It's a way of escape. Awhile back, I was told that some days, moving forward means that I get out of bed, and maybe shower. Those days are still with me every once in a while. Today has been just one of those days.