Today I am thinking about how I feel about my "single status". I am with friends and spending time doing things together. There are singles and couples, young and old here today with me as we socialize and enjoy the sunny spring day.
My singleness or widowhood feels somewhat like I am wearing someone else's shoes. They are slightly too large, the arch support is wrong....something just not quite right. The "singleness" I feel is rather awkward and a little uncomfortable. The feeling now is somewhat different than than the past few months. During those times, it was "not my life", It was "not me". I pushed away the life as belonging to someone else. Today, my response is not as strong. But, the life still doesn't feel quite right. The stage is set the same way, but the characters are different. The story is diametrically opposed to the previous one. And, somehow, as I watch the story unfold, it is not familiar, it is as if my lines have all changed.
When I start my day, I have activities to accomplish. Very little feels really all that important. On occasion, I find an important purpose for one activity. Or I enjoy visit with friends. But, not really happy. In the past, there was an underlying contentment and peace in my soul. It is that which is missing besides the absence of my Love. It is the peace and contentment that is hard to live without. I feel so very much loss in this deeper part of me. No matter how much I wrap this new life in a pretty bow, it is that inside part that still is not whole.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Is Your Quilt Being Patched?
Quilts are made of many pieces, squares of material, sewn together into a whole. The purpose is beauty and warmth. Every person I meet is a quilt. They express different characteristics. Some people are bright and sunny quilts. Others are dark, functional and strong. Others are soft but need to be treated with care. All are given the gifts that they possess for God's glory. Each square represents ones logic, ones emotions, ones strengths or weaknesses. Each square created part of the whole. Each square was added by God at the beginning and throughout life to enhance the gifts He bestowed on that person. Those gifts and lessons are molded into the fabric of the quilt.
The place where this analogy breaks down is that some quilts are strong until they enter a season of life that brings them to their knees, that tears at the fabric of their life. They become torn, the stitches come apart and holes are evident. They are in need of repair and gentle care. Some of the squares need to be torn away and replaced with a different square. Our Maker and Giver of life brings others into our life to mend and repair those broken stitches. He removes and replaces the torn fabric and heals the holes. The stitches are made new. It is all a part of the healing.
I see that sometimes, that "grief" square in my quilt grows to be the size of the whole quilt. It is dark and intense and strong. It shapes my world for that day or those many days. The days I experience this are fewer than they were at the beginning. Other days, the square representing my grief is not front and center as it is on those more painful days. There exists different emotions that exist and cause a pattern of contrast with that particular square. These are the days that are easier to bear. It is as if the "other" squares provide a break in the intensity of the color of that "grief" square.
When facing such loss, the painful and difficult repairs to our quilt will mean that it is not the same as it once was. Stronger, yes. Beauty enhanced. We often cannot see the "enhancements" that are made to our quilt in the middle of the rebuild. This is the time to trust God's hand. He knows how to bring beauty in the end.
The place where this analogy breaks down is that some quilts are strong until they enter a season of life that brings them to their knees, that tears at the fabric of their life. They become torn, the stitches come apart and holes are evident. They are in need of repair and gentle care. Some of the squares need to be torn away and replaced with a different square. Our Maker and Giver of life brings others into our life to mend and repair those broken stitches. He removes and replaces the torn fabric and heals the holes. The stitches are made new. It is all a part of the healing.
I see that sometimes, that "grief" square in my quilt grows to be the size of the whole quilt. It is dark and intense and strong. It shapes my world for that day or those many days. The days I experience this are fewer than they were at the beginning. Other days, the square representing my grief is not front and center as it is on those more painful days. There exists different emotions that exist and cause a pattern of contrast with that particular square. These are the days that are easier to bear. It is as if the "other" squares provide a break in the intensity of the color of that "grief" square.
When facing such loss, the painful and difficult repairs to our quilt will mean that it is not the same as it once was. Stronger, yes. Beauty enhanced. We often cannot see the "enhancements" that are made to our quilt in the middle of the rebuild. This is the time to trust God's hand. He knows how to bring beauty in the end.
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