My Thoughts are Tinged with Tears

My thoughts are tinged with tears this day. The things I think about doing without you bring me sadness. Sadness for all the dreams we had, places we had left to travel, the things we had to accomplish yet in our life together. There were dreams and now they belong only to me.

I try to move on by myself these days and yet, with each choice I make, each thing I accomplish, each of our friends that I visit, also includes an ache in my heart. Each is washed in my tears. It seems that the choices I have available to me are either to stop or to go on.

I want to stop. To not fight anymore. I want to allow my grief to take over.To just let go. It would be easier. Not easy mind you, but easier. My heart is broken and it weeps. It would be easier to let that be the whole of my existence. To accept the feeling that I have no life, no purpose and no reason to continue to be here. But you see, there is a part of me that knows that this is not the truth. It is a very small voice speaking to that broken part of me. It speaks to me. That voice says that I am still here because I still have purpose. God still has a plan. I don't really want to hear this voice. But I fight, I feel my pain and also choose to go on. Some days I accomplish a lot. And others, my victory is to get out of bed and eat.

My challenge on many of these days, (whether they are the harder ones or the easier ones), is to make the choices I need to make while still allowing my heart to be broken. To still allow my heart to weep without having answers as to what the purpose is that I am still here. To still know that although I miss him with all who I am, there are other things for me to do yet in this life, even though I don't quite believe that yet or know what those thing are. To allow the belief that I have purpose to coexist with the thought that I can't imagine a satisfying life without him in it. A big part of the difficulty is that I don't see the path as of yet. It has not been illuminated in front of me. I guess I don't see a way for those opposing perspectives to live in harmony inside of me.