I have begun to put some of my life back together again. I have some activity, some things to accomplish and a "life" of sorts. But, I still wonder, in the back of my head, does it really matter? In spite of the rebuilding I have done to this point. There is the thought that there is no real value. It's just activity marking time.
I'm working on my health, I am looking toward finding work. I have created a social and support structure in my life. On the surface, it would look like "all is coming together again". However, when I sit quietly and look deep inside my heart, there still exists this fatalistic view that has been there all along. The one that still says, "nothing really matters".
In the past couple days, I've had a cold. And so, I asked myself "If I were to have a medical issue and die in my bed, would I be okay with that, would I be sad?" The feeling I have in the back of my mind is that no, it would really just make everything easier for me now. There would be no work to climb back out of this hole. It would take this thing I call "my life", have it just be done and no more to pretending.
So, yes, its been 6 months, and I have things going on. But truly in the back of my head not much seems to have changed. I do more things now and those feelings are not at the front and center of my mind any more, but hidden there where they are more easily ignored.
I do make choices to go on and live this life each day. My choices are made with my head in the right place. But you know its my heart that still is broken. And, somehow the grief that lives in my heart still speaks. And, its message hasn't changed much.
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