Focus: Am I Looking Forward or Backward?

I can look back over the months and initially, I felt as if the illness and death of my husband was like an explosion. The resulting crater is what I called "my life." The thought of trying to rebuild and put "what I wanted" into this crater was impossible....mostly because it felt as if there was no purpose to building my life again without him, I just would exist until I could be with him again. I did not feel suicidal, I simply didn't see a point in trying to rebuild without him here to do it with me.

I believe that I moved into a new stage of grief. However, the thought of putting things I "want" into that crater (yep, its still there) is still impossible. I don't know what I want there and it feels totally overwhelming. I still feel without purpose,happiness or contentment.

Today, I was listening to a leadership training CD. The first point was about defining what you want your life to look like. Considering where I have been over the past 16 months, I would say that trying to define this is like starting a completely blank slate. Because I have simply existed, I am simply trying to start over in creating a new life.

There was a new meaning, an "aha!" moment if you will. It is that creating a life for myself is a choice. One only I can make. The pain and grief and sorrow is going to be there for some time to come......if not always. I can choose to continue to look at the life I lost, the husband I miss and my sorrow. Or I can focus on defining my life from here forward. That I will experience grief which ever choice I make. The question is where am I going to focus? This is not to say that I should ignore my grief or to stay so busy that it has no expression. However, if you have read much of what I have written in this blog, I don't think that I has been the case for me.

 This is not rocket science, it is a step forward. I thought about where to focus (besides the past), about the creation of my "new reality". The life I still have to live. Until now the thinking was just too painful to consider. The change is making the decision to choose a path, one that includes activities that have value to me personally. It includes choosing to have a vision for the future. I am sure I will continue to have difficult days here and there. But, today, it is good to have focus. 

I am Tired.

Someone told me something recently that just came back to me this morning. He is someone who has a story and pain path of his own. Someone who has some wisdom for me to consider. He said something along the lines of this: Things will get better.....if you decide that you want them to be better.

Today, I remember his words and think, yes, I do want things to be better. I have worked VERY hard this past 15 months to accomplish this. Today, I am tired of working. I am tired because I am still very sad. I am still unhappy. I've recreated a life of sorts for myself but it still feels empty. Empty and unsatisfying.

I consider myself a brave and courageous woman. I have spent decades of my adult years becoming healthy emotionally, resolving the dysfunction in my life. I have spent it learning to love and accept who God has made me. Accepting the choices of others around me. I have also worked through the grief of losing my parents.

I say this to say I am not a stranger to doing the work of grief and facing many hard choices. But this grief has been much harder. More painful and devastating. I see the path I am on and I am not nearly at a place emotionally that I seek. One of satisfaction, happiness and contentment. I have worked hard these past months to walk through the crater of destruction before me. To work through the loss of my husband, my friend, my lover and my soul mate. To build a life myself without him in it.

Today I am tired. I am tired of working toward a goal that I still do not see....even in the distance. I have no answers as to when I will get to that place I seek. All I know today is that as much as I have worked, I have not arrived.  

The Holidays are Here Again

The holidays are upon me once again. Preparing for the uncomfortable and disheartening is the rule of the day. Knowing that I am still broken although it is better than last year.

I was invited to an early Thanksgiving with a friend. It was a "celebration". People giving thanks. A large room friends and acquaintances, spouses and singles laughing and enjoying each other. I was reminded that I am not. I am still not really celebrating, not really able to give thanks and not enjoying events with my spouse. I came home and cried. My sorrow continues. I am not sure how to get past the sorrow to celebrate and give thanks.

It reminded me that the upcoming month is likely to be painful. The people around me are caring and wanting me with them, happy as well. As of right now,I am working back to that place of happy and content. However, it is allusive, a location within that is still beyond reach.

All the Little Pieces of Grief

Grief is not simply the loss of a person or a relationship. There are many different pieces to grief that one faces, weeps over and then tries to rebuild from the shattered life. It includes the interactions, the laughter, the outings, the arguments, the touch, the sorrow, the dreams and so much more. Each of these represents a facet of the life I no longer enjoy.

It is the mundane things. What should we eat for dinner? We discussed this every afternoon as he would drive home from work. Each day, every single week day. It was in some ways, our little joke. The decision that I would not make by myself. He awaited the question every day. Now the conversation does not happen, the joke is no longer present. And, I, by myself am reminded every day that he is not here to decide what to make for dinner. Every day, I have do decide what to eat by myself, remembering. It seems like a silly thing to be saddened by. But, life is made up of many little pieces, mostly mundane things becoming a facet of the life we shared.

It is the little pieces that made up our life together, that are now in a pile on the floor. Somehow, those pieces need to fit into the landscape of my life again. Only now, they will be memories of a past lifetime of love and friendship. Somehow, the mended scraps of my life will become whole again. 

Choosing Faith

I suppose I am on a slightly different path of grief this past month. It goes like this: life is ok and I am just going along. Then there is a stress of some sort that causes a crash or a paralysis or an inability to handle. I understand with this as in other forms of learning, the first step to growth is seeing and acknowledging the need for change.

I understand that this path includes God growing me. A path that will lead to new fruit of the Spirit. A closer likeness to Him. On this path He has promised abundant life, that He will bring out from the darkness. I walk this path, trusting what is yet to come. That the growth is sometimes a forward and backward pattern. It is a time for giving grace to myself. Sometimes, the only expression of my faith is to continue to put one foot in front of the other, walking forward in faith. Hebrews 11 states that 'faith is the evidence of things not seen.'

I continue to believe God's truth and it is to Him that I cling on those days when I stumble. I hold tight on those days I choose to walk forward into the unknown instead of the familiar. When I see so much  weakness within. I cling to my Lord when I just am tired of the hurt, the sadness and the pain.

Faith is purified through these difficult times. I choose to believe  when the "evidence is not yet seen". I choose to believe His word when He has promised "Abundant Life". And to "Count it all joy when you face many troubles". God is on His throne. He has not forsaken me.

November 9, 2016. The Dave after the Election-It Hurts My Heart

Every 4 years, my heart breaks a little more. I see not only the media but the people around and close to me become polar opposites, mean, rude, verbally destructive and cruel. The election day comes to an end. There are winners and losers. I have been on both sides. I understand the devastation and the gratification.

But, the thing that makes me so very sad is the emotional destruction left behind. Friends who are no longer friends with each other. Ruined relationships. Why is it that every 4 years, we create an Armageddon and choose the destruction of everything we hold dear the other 3.5 years? During that 6 month period of time, where is our common decency? Our ability to choose to treat others with the opposite viewpoint with respect? The politicians perfect that ability on stage, but chances are, they were never friends. Why do we do this among ourselves when it would never be acceptable behavior during any other season?

For those whose candidates lost yesterday, I am sorry that you hurt. For those whose candidate one yesterday, congratulations. But, I just need to let those of you in my world know that every 4 years, no matter which side wins, I HATE the carnage that is left behind. Not from the candidates, but what we allow to come between us.

Know this, I am more than the title of "Republican" or "Democrat" or even "Independent". I do not agree with everything that is espoused by anyone. However, I look at the issues and I vote my conscious based upon what I believe that America needs. I do not vote because of some 'popularity club' or "to make history". I carefully choose who I believe will be best for our Country. Just, I might add, as I make decisions in my life to live the way that my conscious directs. If you, being a friend, cannot see that my life as a whole includes this piece of me that is called my "political view" as a whole, with value and conscious. I am sorry. If you cannot love me unconditionally to espouse a different viewpoint, I guess like you, I have a right to the freedom of choice. But, it hurts me that somehow between Monday and today, I have suddenly become a different person. I suddenly have become evil.

Know this: throughout my life, I have had to make hard choices. I have not chosen the popular route. I often have taken a hard stand. And in this case, if somehow I can no longer be an acceptable friend, I don't compromise because someone (even a loved one) doesn't approve.