Situations that Prick My Heart Just a Bit

Overwhelmed. The pain and sorrow have now changed. Now it is overwhelmed. There are so many projects left to do. Projects had planned to do together. I  go to choose supplies. The decision is no longer 'ours' to make, but all mine. These decisions should be fun. They're not. This is what pricks my heart just a bit.

I am trying to make changes in my home and in my life. However, there is a part of me working against those changes. It is trying to keep things the same. That conflict within becomes overwhelming. Emotional and exhausting. The part of me fighting to keep sameness around me shouts that I am erasing his existence. Somehow, my grief says that "I am responsible" for erasing him here. That somehow getting rid of a computer part, a picture frame or an old pair of jeans takes him away from me just that much more. Or even worse by sending these things away, like he was never here. These are the things that prick my heart more than a bit. 

And then there is the fear of "what if?" What if my car breaks down? What if my house needs fixing? What if my computer stops working? These are all "things" that he cared for in our life together. I am sure that I can figure out how to get these things done. I am capable and resourceful. However, the sense of loss of our "system" causes anxiety, overwhelming again. It is the taking back each of these responsibilities that pricks my heart just a bit.

There does not seem to be many answers except to get out and develop the resources to deal with the things I need. It all goes along with building my life again without him here to be in it. Making these choices and moving on pricks my heart some days more than others. 

There are Still Some Very Hard Days

There is sorrow and the days are long. These are the days that hibernating feels like the best. Projects are put off, eating is a chore. And little gets accomplished except the tears of grief.

These are the days it is hard to know what to do. How to support myself. How to move beyond. These are the days that feel like I have slid backward. Maybe its not really backward, there are new sorrows to be healed. New pains to resolve. It is the tears that wash away the pain....with time. 

These are the days that I choose to trust in God's plan for my life. That there is still some purpose other than my grief. I don't know what it is yet. But, my faith allows me to look forward through the rain. Knowing that at some point, there will be a door beyond the now. 

A Song For You

I heard this song last week by Donna Taggart called Jealous of the Angels. I share it hoping that it will touch you and bring comfort. Here's her you tube link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n67dSG35L4&feature=youtu.be

Essential Oils and Emotional Support

Grieving is hard work, it requires courage and bravery. There is no road map. It is as if someone hands you a blank piece of paper and says: "here you go, here's the route to get to the other side of your cavern." The days are dark, the pain is intense and the road is long. There can be some "help" through grief support or counseling, writing in a journal, speaking with a trusted friend or pastor, loving on your dog. I have participated in all of these through the last months. There can be 'help' but the loss is a permanent situation.

Another choice I have made is to use Essential Oils to support me. It seems funny that smelling something can support emotional health. Our sense of smell  is processed in the emotional center of the brain. If you think about it, oils have been used throughout ancient history in church and other parts of of life during biblical times. My choice has been to explore the use of these as one more support that I have as I grieve. I have found that there is support for me through this medium. (See *note below).

I use oils daily for emotional support. The first is related to not feeling courageous enough to face my day. In these instances, my favorite oils are Inner Child or White Angelica. I find that I feel like the oils "gird me up" emotionally to face whatever is ahead. Some days, I have anxiety and am easily frustrated. I wear a lot of Valor, Peace & Calming and Stress away. There were days (especially early on) I experienced anger, so much anger. These oils brought calmer emotions as I wrote in my journal. Release also helped me bring acceptance of those situations.

Sleep, that allusive commodity. I needed rest and could not fall asleep. When I was asleep, I often woke up and could not sleep again. My mind would not rest. I wear Valor on my wrists. I diffuse Cedar wood and Tangerine or Lavender in my diffuser. It was not magic, it would not necessarily help immediately, but the oils would bring relaxation to my mind and my body would finally let go. There were more nights when I could sleep through the night. Sleeping is still difficult and diffusing is a regular habit.

I have come into a different season on this road called grief. I do not spend my days walking in darkness and tears or anger. I am more distractable than before. My focus has never been stellar, however, it has become more evident to me throughout my day.

The second is difficulty with the permanence of widowhood. Knowing that he will never walk in my door again and somehow, I am now on my own, forging a path without my love here beside me. As I try different oils with these struggles, I will let you know how it goes. 

*A note about quality. Essential oils have recently come into vogue and can be purchased all over the place.  Many of those oils are cosmetic grade or perfume grade. They can be laboratory produced or use of chemicals during the processing. Each of us choose the company that is best for their family. I am not trying to take that choice from you. My choice has been to use Young Living. I would simply caution you that not all oils are created equal. If the label states that the oils are "not for internal use", or "not to be inhaled: beware. There is a reason.The oils I have chosen are pure and theraputic grade oils with well documented testing. 

Encouragement for the Soul

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. I was reminded of this verse last night.

No words to expound. Just a reminder that Jesus walks with us through these dark times. 

"What Drives You?"

An insightful friend asked me this question the other night as I talked a little bit about the choices I have made toward my grief and healing. The question has come back to me. What has driven me towards my healing choices?

As I think about it, the real answer is that I am driven to care for myself as I grieve. To acknowledge my pain. To support myself through the healing process. My question from the beginning has been "What do I feel that I need?" I have done whatever that was. I did not allow myself to feel guilt or self centered, I did those things.

What makes these thoughts and drives interesting is that my overall feeling throughout these days has been that I am really not happy to still be here. I would really rather not have a purpose on earth. I would really rather just get it over with so that I can be with my husband again. So these intensely painful feelings seem directly opposed to the choices I have made to caring for myself over these months.

My question today for those of you grieving and even those that are not, "What drives you?" Are you striving to heal your grief? They are little baby steps whenever you are able that move you in the right direction. Are you caring for yourself? Or are your choices causing more pain and destruction in your life?

My challenge to you today is to take little steps in the path toward health and healing. Is it to see a counselor? Do it. Is it to take time out for yourself? Do it. Maybe it is to ask the question "What do I need?" Follow your heart and choose to love yourself. The biblical references are many: 1 Corinthians 6:19-Your body is the temple of the holy spirit. Ephesians 5:25- Christ loved the church (us) so much that He gave himself up for her. My personal favorite is this: Matthew 7:6- Do not throw your pearls before the swine. 

Supporting Your Grieving Friend: Their Grief is Never Finished, Their Pain is Never Gone

It will never be finished. Your grieving friend will deal with that loss for the rest of their days. It will change, it may take up less space in their life for a few days here and there, but it will NEVER go away. Never.

What does that mean for your grieving friend? Their life will never be the same again. They will never be the same again. There may be lessons, there may be (at some point) good things ahead. But, their loss will always hurt. Your friend will deal with changes in their life that were not their choice. A precious gem has been taken. Maybe part of the foundation that they counted on being part of their existence.

A good analogy for you to consider is that of an amputee. Their limb may be healed. A prosthesis may allow them to do some of what they did before. But, their life and their loss is permanent. Never the same again. The situation that developed that required them to lose the limb will always be a traumatic incident in their life. Sure, they may be able to go on. They may be able to function. But, don't ever think that the loss of that limb is forgotten, it is not. At some point, the amputee deals daily with the changes in their life. Even many years later. There may be acceptance but life is never the same again. The same is true when a loved one dies.
Please don't expect your friend to "get over it" or worse "put her big girl panties on and move on with her life". Do you really think that the life of the loved one has so little value that it 'should' be easier for your friend to pick up and go? Do you think that your opinion expresses the value of a life that is no more? If so, think again. Love knows no limits and snuffing it out is always a tragedy. Shame on you for not valuing your friends loved one's life. Really. Consider the quality of your love for your friend. Are you really helping your friend or adding to their burden? 
Remember that your grieving friend will need you to understand that their loss is huge. Even several years later, their loss continues to hurt. The changes that your friend experienced make it hard to go on. At some point, there may be acceptance, but life will never be the same.  

Walking into "The Uncomfortable" With Your Grieving Friend

Talking about death and dying in our society is somewhat taboo. It is uncomfortable and sometimes frightening. When we are faced with speaking with someone who is walking through the pain and sorrow of losing a spouse, family member or friend, there is a difficulty knowing what to say. Not knowing how to help. I think that there is 2 questions we ask ourselves in this situation are: "Oh cr@p, what do I say?" and the second is "How do I fix it and make them feel better?" Usually, there are good intentions (of course not always), but friends really don't like friends to hurt.

My best friend from high school passed away the year before my husband. He called me one day and we had one of those very painful and uncomfortable conversations. I loved him and walked through the pain and difficult conversation with him. To this day, I don't remember what I said, but at the time I hoped my words were supportive and not hurtful. I share this experience to let you know that I understand "the uncomfortable" because I have experienced it. At the time, I had not really supported someone facing their  imminent death. I experienced the tension between my ongoing life and him preparing to experience the end of his life here on earth. I experienced not knowing what to say or do to make him feel better. I know the need to help, to sooth and to eliminate "the uncomfortable." And today, I have been on the other side. I have experienced walking into the death of a spouse and the grief associated therein.

Back to the 2 questions. The answers go like this: Know that no matter what you do, your words are not going to fix the pain of grief, or the fear of death. Know that you will NOT fix it (that is not the goal).  Here is the reason. When we try to fix "the uncomfortable", we often say things that relieve "the uncomfortable". Often we feel better because we have given them an answer. However, often, those words that made you feel better do not support the person grieving. It can make them hurt more, or at minimum, they feel more alone afterwards. 
Know that your goal is to walk alongside of them. To be with them in "the uncomfortable". You choosing to walk with them through that darkness provides comfort. Is soothing. The best gift you can give them is to stay in the conversation, listen well and choose to remain "in the uncomfortable" with them.

I had a friend tell me that he "didn't know what to say." So refreshing was that for me. He simply sat in the pain with me and expressed his uncomfortable feelings to me. And I felt supported.
Listen. Even if the conversation is the third time you have heard the same thing. Your friend needs to work through the layers of their pain. Those same words have different levels of feeling for them, even though the words are the same from one conversation to the next. 

Show up. Be available. When you say, "let me know if there is anything I can do". Sadly, there is so much to do or such a fog to their grief, they may not know what they need. I had several friends that shared a meal out with me. Over the months, the care that they showed making the effort to simply be there for a time, that I didn't have to feed myself or eat alone. And they listened. They sat with me in the darkness as we ate. And I felt supported.


 

The Safe Space

There is a place where I go to be me. To allow myself whatever I need, to 'just be' without judgement. There is no need to be social or pretend. Sometimes this space is confining and oppressive. But, most times, my only goal is to care for myself. To provide the safe and non judgemental space to be only what I need to be. 

That space sometimes is my home, sometimes just my bed. There, I can write, pray, be sad, cry, hurt. Whatever the situation calls for. Some times, I live in that space for a couple of hours, other times for days. I ask myself 'What do I need right now?' And i listen to that voice inside telling me the answer. Sometimes it is productive time, other times, I nap.

Where do you go, Oh Grieving Friend, to meet your sorrow, care for yourself in the midst of your pain? Do you listen to the voice inside? Take the time you need to acknowledge your sorrow. To feel safe from the outside world and grieve. Give yourself the time it takes to go on just that one day. And then, tomorrow you can determine what you need. Concern yourself just for today, tomorrow will come soon enough.