Am I Looking Back Instead of Forward?

Over the past months, I've traveled to a couple of places my husband and I traveled to in the past. They were 2 destinations in which I have very fond memories. I have also attended a local event that we have gone to every year for the past decade. In each case, I had hoped to bring him closer to me. And, in each case, that did not happen. I created new memories. I reconnected with friends we've seen over the years at that annual event. But, in each case, I was still alone. I found that in some instances, I created new memories that did not involve him. But, I felt no closer to him than I do here at home. And that, in and of itself created sadness for me. 

And so, I have been looking at my choices, why I went to those places. What were my expectations? And, I found that I was trying to recreate the experience from before. I was trying to experience the fun and the relationship and the love we shared simply with geography. And, when that didn't happen, I was disappointed. My grief was touched anew because of the unrealized expectations that I placed on the experience, the geography.

Somehow, I need to remember the memories. Cherish and hold them close. However, it is necessary for me to build my own life now. My own memories. My own experiences. To look on the activities I choose for my own enjoyment, rather than trying to bring him close. The process requires me to look forward rather than back.

My current struggle with this is because my heart says, "I don't wanna" (hear the 3 year old whiney voice). I'm afraid if I move forward, I will leave him behind. That somehow, I will loose all of my relationship, all of his memory. My head knows that this is not true. That his memory will be with me always. The life and memories we enjoyed are mine forever. But, my heart is not ready to believe this yet. My heart is not ready to turn ahead and walk forward, It is still gripping the past.

So, for now, I think that rather than making old choices to bring back memories, I would be better off trying to make new choices, new destinations, new activities that are for my own enjoyment. And then, somehow, learn to bring him along. Make him the passenger, not the focus.