My Dearest One

My Dearest One,

I hope you know how much I still love you. My love is held into the deepest part of me. Somehow, I have to move on from the place I exist right now. I live in this confined space while grasping to hold onto what little I have left of you here with me. I've been afraid to move on to rebuild who I am now because I am afraid that if I let go of this tight grasp I have, I will loose the rest of you. But, clinging to my grief is not really holding onto you. It is clinging to my grief and sadness. It's not you that I hold onto, its my pain and suffering.

Today, I am going to choose to cling to your love for me, your memory and all of the amazing things you taught me. To cling to the memory of who you were in my life and who we were together. Today, I will take you with me wherever I go. I will keep the essence of who you were close to me. And, all of what you meant to me. Those are the things I will cling to.

Today, I will begin to recognize the difference between clinging to the hurt, the pain and the grief verses clinging to you, the man who loved and held me tight. I realize that your wish for me would be to live my life well. To use my gifts that God has given me to their fullest. Your wish for me would be to complete the race God has set before me. And, also to know that if I spent the rest of my life sad and miserable, you would feel grief that I allowed your illness and death to put a dark sheath over the rest of my days. In life, you never wanted me to be hurt or to be sad and if I spent the rest of my days that way, you would be sad.

You were my greatest support, my biggest cheering section whatever I did. Your desire for me would be to be healed and whole. To be the woman you met, married and appreciated. And so today, I cling to you, move forward in those new ventures. And, bring you along as I shed my deep sorrow.

I am sure that there will still be tears and heartache, but for today, I cling to you, your memory and all you mean to me. You are my love, my support, my Dearest One.