Emotional responses are strong. Stronger than they used to be. When I am frustrated, I get frustrated quickly. When I get anxious, I get very anxious. I have always been a bit of a worrier, this too has been exacerbated. I wonder why this is?
I have contemplated this and think about the emotional explosion involved in becoming a widow. The life I chose is no longer. The familiar life I lived has now changed enormously. I have become very aware of many emotions running throughout my days. Sometimes, it is like a roller coaster. Tears have been many.
Now, as I patch my life back together, those emotions continue to run near to the surface. It is almost as if the protective layer I used in the past has become thinner. Maybe being more transparent is a better description. It seems that I am more aware than I used to be.
How about you? Have you had these same experiences? Are your emotions near the surface? Or are they deeper down. Hidden to keep the pain away?
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Be Gentle with Yourself
I heard these words several times during the first months of widowhood. Even when I sought legal advice. He told me to "be gentle with yourself". I was speaking to a friend this week about this subject. We have so many expectations of ourselves and when we are plunged into grief, we often become disappointed with our self because we are not "doing" all the things we "should be doing".
Looking back, there were a couple of reasons:
1. Grief saps energy- This was the biggest one for me. I had so much grief in front of me that caused so much sorrow, I didn't have any energy left over to even attempt the smallest of projects. I struggled to get the most basic of things done...like take a shower when I didn't need to be anywhere. I napped often, (also because I was not sleeping well) and was still tired all the time. Grief is exhausting.
2. Feeling overwhelmed-There are So very many things that need to be done, especially at first. The day I went to the DMV to have his name taken off of a title, was exhausting and overwhelming. It took me 3 weeks go get up the energy to do this one item. If you can imagine that in addition to expectations of ones self, there are all of these projects that have to be done....I call them the "death duties" left over after a loved one dies. There was great sadness and anxiety about 'erasing his existence' by removing his name from various accounts and such. It goes back to #1, so much energy required. It is not life as usual.
3. Sadness associated with the activity-There is such sadness associated with things like going through his clothes, sorting through his hobby supplies and etc. The ability to do these projects stirs up sadness that is already pretty intense. When you are ready to face it, maybe there is a friend whom you trust that can come and be with you?
4. Lack of focus- It is often difficult to concentrate, complete a task or you become clumsy. These behaviors are common and affect what and how much we can accomplish. A friend told me to be careful...she was right. I was more clumsy.
I had to learn that I was more important than any of these "projects" or "activities". I still have a ginormous list of things to do that weigh on my mind and its been 16 months. There are days that I just couldn't do the dishes....I had to work to fix something to eat. Eating was more important than forcing the issue of the dishes. As I resolved the terrible terrible pain, I have found that doing these daily items has become easier again. I have not yet been able to attempt much of the sorting of his stuff.
So, I learned to put my expectations of myself in the background and ask myself what I needed today. Sometimes it was a nap, sometimes it was to get out of the house for a drive, sometimes it was to journal. I made these answers that came to me priority.
Here is a thought:
Looking back, there were a couple of reasons:
1. Grief saps energy- This was the biggest one for me. I had so much grief in front of me that caused so much sorrow, I didn't have any energy left over to even attempt the smallest of projects. I struggled to get the most basic of things done...like take a shower when I didn't need to be anywhere. I napped often, (also because I was not sleeping well) and was still tired all the time. Grief is exhausting.
2. Feeling overwhelmed-There are So very many things that need to be done, especially at first. The day I went to the DMV to have his name taken off of a title, was exhausting and overwhelming. It took me 3 weeks go get up the energy to do this one item. If you can imagine that in addition to expectations of ones self, there are all of these projects that have to be done....I call them the "death duties" left over after a loved one dies. There was great sadness and anxiety about 'erasing his existence' by removing his name from various accounts and such. It goes back to #1, so much energy required. It is not life as usual.
3. Sadness associated with the activity-There is such sadness associated with things like going through his clothes, sorting through his hobby supplies and etc. The ability to do these projects stirs up sadness that is already pretty intense. When you are ready to face it, maybe there is a friend whom you trust that can come and be with you?
4. Lack of focus- It is often difficult to concentrate, complete a task or you become clumsy. These behaviors are common and affect what and how much we can accomplish. A friend told me to be careful...she was right. I was more clumsy.
I had to learn that I was more important than any of these "projects" or "activities". I still have a ginormous list of things to do that weigh on my mind and its been 16 months. There are days that I just couldn't do the dishes....I had to work to fix something to eat. Eating was more important than forcing the issue of the dishes. As I resolved the terrible terrible pain, I have found that doing these daily items has become easier again. I have not yet been able to attempt much of the sorting of his stuff.
So, I learned to put my expectations of myself in the background and ask myself what I needed today. Sometimes it was a nap, sometimes it was to get out of the house for a drive, sometimes it was to journal. I made these answers that came to me priority.
Here is a thought:
- G - Gentle. Be gentle with yourself. Put yourself first for awhile each day. Do not flagellate yourself with all these "things" that you usually do and you just don't seem to be able to do.
- R - Rest. Grief and intense emotions will wear you out. Take a nap if you need it. Go to bed early if necessary. Take breaks. Maybe read a book to relax.
- A - Allow yourself to put your "expectations of yourself" on the back burner for now. Wearing yourself out trying to do it all is not going to help you or anyone else. Let some things slide so that you can take care of you and others who might need you.
- C - Care for yourself. Take the time to do what you need for yourself. You are important. It feel selfish, when in fact is it self care. Brush your teeth. Eat even if it is comfort food. See the doctor and/or counselor.
- E - Emotions. They exist whether you acknowledge them or not. If you stuff them, they will come out in other ways. Find ways to express them in a healthy way. A trusted friend or family member, a counselor, keeping a journal. Closing them off will often affect your health, your relationships. Not everyone will need the same expression, but the willingness to open the pipeline rather than close the valve is the key.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Two Sides of a Coin
When I speak with others about their loss, I hear them say, I miss talking with my mom almost every day. Or a widow told me that she still "tears up" on occasion almost 25 years later. That causes me to ask the question, "Is the grief process ever complete?"
I ask this question as I look at life. In spite of completing projects, touching the lives of others and enjoying friends, a look inside oneself continues to hold a sad hunk of pain. The pain and anguish no longer consumes each moment of the day. But, that hunk, it colors the view of whatever has been accomplished. It is just there and never really goes away. I have begun to think that asking when the pain will end is asking the wrong question?
I wonder if from here on out, the heart has become like a 2 sided coin. One side has purpose and happiness. The other side has been broken and is now mended but there is scaring that when stretched becomes painful again. It is the side that contains the place belonging to him. It is the place where shared memories and dreams are stored.
These 2 parts of will now coexist. The happy will always be tinged with a sprinkling of sad. The watercolors of purpose and satisfaction also contains the color of sorrow. The movie of my life will look through a lens that is filtered through both sides of that coin.
This life-viewing lens has been altered due to the experience of loss. It is now molded differently to include the experience of grief. My point is as a result of deep sorrow, there now exists a greater sense of perception, an increased strength, a different capacity for compassion, or better insight. Changes as a result of working through the process of grief after loss. Capacity within not existing before the experience of loss. Will that scarred portion of the heart help bring one to see and speak wisdom not evident previously?
Never would I say that "God had a reason" to take a loved one away. Nor would I say that "He had a purpose". Those comments are simply cruel to be spoken to a grieving person. However, for me, the valley has been dark, and as I come forward, I wonder for myself if these changes can be seen within me? I wonder what they mean for me as I walk forward into a life I now build.
In many ways, I have more questions than answers, but this I know, for me, it always comes back to the faith that God walks before me guiding this dark unknown. It comes back to the quest to follow my Father through obedience and grace.
I ask this question as I look at life. In spite of completing projects, touching the lives of others and enjoying friends, a look inside oneself continues to hold a sad hunk of pain. The pain and anguish no longer consumes each moment of the day. But, that hunk, it colors the view of whatever has been accomplished. It is just there and never really goes away. I have begun to think that asking when the pain will end is asking the wrong question?
I wonder if from here on out, the heart has become like a 2 sided coin. One side has purpose and happiness. The other side has been broken and is now mended but there is scaring that when stretched becomes painful again. It is the side that contains the place belonging to him. It is the place where shared memories and dreams are stored.
These 2 parts of will now coexist. The happy will always be tinged with a sprinkling of sad. The watercolors of purpose and satisfaction also contains the color of sorrow. The movie of my life will look through a lens that is filtered through both sides of that coin.
This life-viewing lens has been altered due to the experience of loss. It is now molded differently to include the experience of grief. My point is as a result of deep sorrow, there now exists a greater sense of perception, an increased strength, a different capacity for compassion, or better insight. Changes as a result of working through the process of grief after loss. Capacity within not existing before the experience of loss. Will that scarred portion of the heart help bring one to see and speak wisdom not evident previously?
Never would I say that "God had a reason" to take a loved one away. Nor would I say that "He had a purpose". Those comments are simply cruel to be spoken to a grieving person. However, for me, the valley has been dark, and as I come forward, I wonder for myself if these changes can be seen within me? I wonder what they mean for me as I walk forward into a life I now build.
In many ways, I have more questions than answers, but this I know, for me, it always comes back to the faith that God walks before me guiding this dark unknown. It comes back to the quest to follow my Father through obedience and grace.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
A Year Behind Me and The New Year Ahead: An Evaluation
I look back on the whole of last year. I see that I have fought to climb out of a hole and often slid back. There has been enlightenment and sorrow; rebuilding and uncertainty. I have walked a path that is as individual as each person facing it in their own life.
I have been called courageous and vulnerable. I have felt weak and strong. I have cried rivers and been angry through the dark path. I still wonder where "normal" is in the midst of it all. I feel that I have accomplished much but it appears that much is left undone.
The previous life that I loved no longer exists. Building a new life with choices I was not prepared to make. It is difficult to move into this new life when I want the one that I had before. It appears that with the new year ahead of me I will examine the options and build the best way I can. In many ways I feel stretched and uncertain as to what is the right path
The biggest question before me is: how do I function with this ongoing grief as a part of me? I have been torn from my best friend and the one I love. Now I walk forward and become someone new. My life was taken, shredded and no longer exists. The path before me is to rebuild. My other choice was to stay in the muck. For me, that was never a good choice. I was called forth through the valley of darkness and into the Light.
The darkness is not erased and the light not fully bright. However, the path is not as dark as it was a year ago. My intentional choices this past year have built strength. Sorrow and grief consume a smaller space each day than before. But there still remains much confusion and uncertainty as to the steps to accomplish rebuilding process. It is trying to make sense of the puzzle pieces that appear to be strewn all around.
.
I have been called courageous and vulnerable. I have felt weak and strong. I have cried rivers and been angry through the dark path. I still wonder where "normal" is in the midst of it all. I feel that I have accomplished much but it appears that much is left undone.
The previous life that I loved no longer exists. Building a new life with choices I was not prepared to make. It is difficult to move into this new life when I want the one that I had before. It appears that with the new year ahead of me I will examine the options and build the best way I can. In many ways I feel stretched and uncertain as to what is the right path
The biggest question before me is: how do I function with this ongoing grief as a part of me? I have been torn from my best friend and the one I love. Now I walk forward and become someone new. My life was taken, shredded and no longer exists. The path before me is to rebuild. My other choice was to stay in the muck. For me, that was never a good choice. I was called forth through the valley of darkness and into the Light.
The darkness is not erased and the light not fully bright. However, the path is not as dark as it was a year ago. My intentional choices this past year have built strength. Sorrow and grief consume a smaller space each day than before. But there still remains much confusion and uncertainty as to the steps to accomplish rebuilding process. It is trying to make sense of the puzzle pieces that appear to be strewn all around.
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