Building a New Foundation: New Purpose

I read a blog from someone I respect in regards to finding one's purpose after the death of a spouse. He acknowledged that the life and dreams one had are no longer as the other person involved was no longer here to "do life" with anymore. The dreams and visions for our life together no longer exist. For me, the expanse before me was an expanse of destruction as far as I could see. Initially, I wandered aimlessly around in the midst of the destruction. Life was no longer the same.

The rebuilding of a life starts with clearing the debris. This by itself is not accomplished quickly. Sometimes, the physical items are removed quickly, however, the emotional debris takes much longer. Once the debris is cleared, building a foundation is the next step. This foundation is, in part, the decision to find a way to go on. (The alternative is to stop living and wait for life to end). It requires building a new life, new dreams. It involves finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning. This also  does not happen overnight, it is a process. It may even take months or years. The vision of a new life may only be a shadow seen in the distance right now. However it comes, it is crucial for this one nugget of life become planted in one's heart. Without it, there is only a backward looking vision for one's life.

For me, letting go of the life we had created much pain and some guilt. The only thing I held onto during that time was that apparently, God still had some purpose or I would not be here. Although I didn't know what it was, or how life could ever be satisfying again, I clung to my faith and worked to move forward. I have learned some 18 months later that in many ways, I still do not have a clear vision of my purpose. I am involved in many important activities, but none feel like my "calling" or 'purpose". I still cling to the knowledge that He will reveal it to me in His time. I guess my message today is also that it is okay to create a new life, new dreams and a new existence. Building a foundation is an important step in the process of going on. 

Not Staying Stuck

I read a blog last week that has caused me to think about a couple of things. The first is that when there is grief from the death of a loved one, there are several choices one can make. Avoidance of the pain is one choice. Getting stuck in the sorrow or in the anger is another. All of these are valid choices, but in order to be healthy and resolve the grief, at some point, one needs to come to the place where they face the grief and walk through the darkness to get to the other side.

Hear me out. I know that during the painful path of grief, there is a time to shut down and avoid the intensity of the pain. There is a place where anger exists. Both of these are necessary places to be for a period of time during the resolution of grief. I am more talking about folks who stay in these places of unhealthiness. The choice to mend our sorrows is the healthy choice.

As an example, many years ago, I experienced anger (ongoing, unresolved anger) at the loss of a career. I spent years and years being angry and blaming others. Today, I can look back at the situation and see the issues that belonged to me and those that did not. I can see the weaknesses of others that affected the decisions that were made. Sadly, I can also look back on the anger that consumed me over the situation and the energy it consumed year after year. I believe that in the long run, I could have made the choice to resolve anger more quickly, put the situation behind me more quickly and expended much less energy. The choices I made were related to my coping skills at the time. However, I wonder if there would have been so much less angst had I been able to move ahead more quickly. How much different would my day to day happiness been if I had done so? In the end, hind sight is always 20/20. As I think about my grief today however, there are lessons to be brought to the forefront.

Losing a loved one is SO much bigger than my loss of career. However, the path through the anger is similar. The path through to acceptance is there as well. I fully understand that this is not easy or a happy time. But, caring for one's emotional health is valuable and important. Avoidance of the pain and shutting down will often bring heart ache, pain and maybe illness. 

Choosing to Walk Forward Through the Many Layers

After the death of a spouse, there is a choice to be made. The choice is to walk forward or to stay still. From the outset, my choice has been to walk forward To some, it may not look like it. Probably because there were oceans of difficult emotions to work through. I may have 'looked' like I was standing still, but I was not. Each day, I chose to walk through and work through the grief, resolving each sorrow. It takes time, energy, extra sleep. On the surface, it may have looked like I was giving up and giving in. Some days, were days of rest and recuperation. Other days were climbing the mountain, working through the valley. And following God's direction.

Know this if you have a grieving friend that the path is not straight. It is sometimes circular and repetitious. It requires moving forward. It requires rest. It requires tears and anger and pain. It is a long path, not one easily accomplished. The layers of pain are many and each one has to be explored and resolved and put to rest. Think of the many layers of an onion or artichoke. Walking this path is hard work. Know this: it takes courage and strength to face it each day and be able to bring the torn edges of life close together to be stitched and mended. It requires courage and energy to accomplish this goal. Big emotion does not mean that someone is "giving up" and "staying stuck". Big emotion often means that a new layer of sorrow has been discovered and will take time to work through.

Now that it has been awhile....18 months to be exact, it might look like I am walking forward more easily. However, just because I'm able to 'choose' to make decisions that are good for me doesn't mean that underneath it all, I do not struggle new layers of sorrow that knock me flat. It does not mean that decisions are 'easier' or 'less traumatic'. And, it does not mean that my walk through grief is any less of a choice than during those early days of widowhood. The path is the same. The layer may be different. But, the choice to move on and be courageous is still the same. 

Finding Pockets of Wounds Even Now

 Akin to ripping a scab off of a large wound, I occasionally find pockets of woundedness. The unknown grief that I am unaware of. It causes me to make choices counterproductive to my chosen path. When I attempt to move forward, my little self rushes around trying to keep everything the same. Keep the memories, keep the world as I knew it without change as if it would keep us together. That struggle of the bigger me making change and the little me trying frantically to keep stuff the same causes anxiety, exhaustion.

There is a sense that I have moved several steps back. Its not. I have uncovered new layers of sorrow that take time to acknowledge. By exposing these hidden pains, I can do the emotional work necessary to bring resolution with time and effort.