He Took Care of Me

You know, I have always been a pretty independent woman. For better or worse, I have been strong and stubborn. Buddy used to call me the "German/Irish" side of the family, LOL. Being the follower was hard for me. I worried that somehow I would be less valuable, a lesser part of the whole. Somehow, by being the "follower", my role would be diminished, less important. and that somehow I would be unhappy with that place in our space. As we worked together and grew,  I realized that I was free to do what I enjoyed best without having to manage it all.

What I have learned now that he's gone is that he spent much time that last year, using those gifts preparing for me now. His decisions were specific, his preparations were clear. He was spreading his wings to make forward plans for my heer and now. Now that I have made it to this side of his death, I see the things he did in advance, he prepared a path making things ready for me, as much as he could anyway. In his kind way he thought ahead, prepared and put things in place. It was his love shown to me in his practical way.

It's made me stop, look back and reflect there from the place I am now, of all the ways he led our path, he prepared. He did that "administrator" thing. In the midst of his illness and impending end of life, he was concerned that I be cared for and put forth the effort in little things and big to help pave my way as I walk further here.

So, from this view now, I wonder why, way back then, I had such concerns at the start? My role of follower, caregiver and support was one I was made for and it fit me just right. It did not make me less important, just deeply loved. I learned to allow him to shelter me here. Now that he's gone I feel it acutely. My protector, my guy is no longer here. Without my knowledge, he did some preparation, I've experienced it now. It's just so odd to be back at the helm, living alone and filling his shoes. Funny how I miss that following role. When once I was concerned about letting it go, today I am sad that it is fully in my control. That role that was once so comfortable, not so now.