The Holiday Season has Arrived.

The holiday season has arrived. There are blinking lights and holly everywhere.Impatient customers stand in a line. "Those computers they are SO slow."  Retail clerks smile, but are stressed. If only they knew how much worse it could be. You see, I stand in this line listening to those all around. Observing what is happening like I've never done before. My experience this year is so much different than it once was. I might have been one of those irritated customers in previous years. Today, I stand here feeling like an outsider looking in. Like in the theater watching a movie. I observe those around me but not really being a part. I deal with my own "stuff". I stand there just waiting knowing I am not whole. Dealing with my life being torn from me at will. I stand there so broken and hurting inside. Those all around me unaware of that side. They are shopping and irritated but not broken in two. I stand there just wishing for only one thing. One thing that will never be mine.

I smile to the lady behind the counter. She is concerned that I will be mad that she has to direct me to another line. She frets I will show irritation and I see it in her eyes. I am sorry that she is so concerned, I am sorry she is afraid. You know she has experienced that treatment, otherwise why would she stress. In other years I might have been one of those irritated customers she had to face. But, this year, these things seem to be so minor compared to my life here and now. My brokenness is more consuming to me right at the moment. I see her concern, I understand she can't help. I smile and say thank you for letting me know now. Those ladies behind me will give it to her now. I don't need to dump anything more on her plate. 

Really oh really walk in my shoes today. I feel so separate from the holiday world all around. Removed from the celebration, the busy and the joy. Also, removed from the stress of the day. I simply work to make it through each day. Being Wednesday or Thursday or Christmas day does not matter. It is just another day to get through all alone. To somehow make myself whole once again. I feel insulated from the trauma of the holiday season all around.