A Reason to Live

It's been 4 months today. Life goes on for me somehow. I go forth with the business of life just because I have to. I pay the bills, I wash my clothes. The pain that's there still the constant in my life. I try to move on, still wondering "why"? Why did You take him? Why could he not be healed? Why do I have to move on without him? And, of course, How? I'm not really angry, I just feel the pain. It's sorrow, its confusion, trying to let go once again.

I have things to do and a life of sorts now. What seems to be missing is the feeling of value and purpose. The reason I am here and that makes me feel whole. I wonder why I'm still here, the 'standard' answer is that God has not taken me home. There is more for Him to do with me now, but somehow that doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel fair. It does not excite me, nor give me hope. It simply means that for now, I live, I walk forward as there is no other choice.

The feelings still hurt, but I separate from those, I make choices in faith in spite of the tears in my heart. There is a purpose of that I am sure. A reason to care. I have not found it on this day four months in. I assume that one day I will. But, for now, I wait. I live without that answer, I wait until it comes. A time of reflection. A time of the unknown.  A time of faith. I know that God is here with me now even though things don't make sense. There are lessons to be learned, God's purpose for this life is to grow. To be more like Him through it all. That process includes walking through the valley to get to the other side.

The journeys I have faced in other times long ago, have never been fun nor have they been easy. They do produce fruit, the strengths of my being. The growth is often painful, a struggle and a death. A death of the weakness, the problem or my flaw. God brings me to a place where my strength is a reflection of His hand, the beauty the artwork drawn in my path. As I look back, I remember the pain, the struggle to be faithful in the midst of the walk. I draw upon these memories, these thoughts of times long ago.

Those remembrances bring about healing and peace in my life now. I guess its not time yet for that answer to be clear. I hold tight to my Savior knowing He sees what is ahead. I know He is here walking through the valley with me. The pain of my burden is shared by my Friend. That gives me comfort in this space that is my now. I continue through this path. I walk forward today with my eyes focused above. Knowing each day, that no matter what comes,  He will see me through until  there is sun on my path once again.