There is a lifelessness to the feeling that "nothing really matters". It has to do with an apathy, the fact that I have no life. I have no purpose. My husband is no longer here. No one to support, no one to care for, cook for, be with here. There is a hole in my life, there is a nothingness here. I can't bring myself to care. I can't decide what to do. My decisions are inconsequential, because nothing really matters anyway. Eat? Sleep? yes, I guess I will. Do I really need to get up and shower? maybe I'll just stay here.
I eat to keep going forward, I sleep because it is easier than being awake. My hurts and my sadness exhaust me anyway, so sleep occupies my day. Should I go somewhere, I don't know where. Maybe I'll just stay here. It really is not important, because nothing really matters. My heart is empty, my life as well. I can't seem to think. It's really just as well. I don't really care if I come or I go. There is sorrow and I wonder, "Will I ever really care again?" My heart is heavy my mind is in neutral. I can't say I really function, I just exist because I haven't been taken home as of yet.
I find in my heart a sad sad pain, I wonder if my world will ever feel good and happy again? Even just not sad would be a step up. It's not here right now, it's not on here tomorrow. But, for right now, the goal is only to put one foot in front of the other, one day to the next. The sorrow driving my feeling says that nothing I do really matters any more. I have no purpose, I have no care. I just continue on because I am here.
All normal feelings. I actually don't have many memories from that first year. My family tell me stories and I say "I don't remember but I believe you." Hang in there. You are loved and needed. (This is Juel by the way.)
ReplyDeleteAll normal feelings. I actually don't have many memories from that first year. My family tell me stories and I say "I don't remember but I believe you." Hang in there. You are loved and needed. (This is Juel by the way.)
ReplyDelete