Sitting in my house being mostly all alone. In my mind I walk around the crater that I see. What is my life, who do I see? How do I become productive again? What is important, what should I do? The appointments I put down seem to be all I have right now. People have called, people I've seen.
However, now its my life, it is up to me. There has been an explosion and there are pieces all around. How do I piece it together all again? Especially now that it is all together different. Its like the puzzle is now round where before it was square. What do I want? Who am I now? How does my life continue on in the present? I'm feeling more calm, although still very sad. My tears still appear, sometimes out of nowhere. Sometimes they have a voice, a reason; other times they just are. Sometimes, things seem to work for awhile and then seem to slide backwards again. Sometimes I have distractions for a time, out for coffee, an errand to complete, but there in the background the pain is always exists, waiting for my attention when those errands are complete.
There is a conflict living within me right now. Building a life for myself still means leaving you behind. How do I do that and still feel right? You are my partner, my love and my heart. Now I must build a new place for myself, that includes you somehow, but it's not like before. What does that look like, how do I proceed? My sorrow still fills me. Where do I put you, how does it look? I don't want to leave you, but what do I do? How do you fit in this new place of mine. Going and coming sometimes too much, I get fatigued easily which means I need rest. Balancing my need for activity and rest is an unexpected challenge. I wonder how long these emotions will drain me?
However, now its my life, it is up to me. There has been an explosion and there are pieces all around. How do I piece it together all again? Especially now that it is all together different. Its like the puzzle is now round where before it was square. What do I want? Who am I now? How does my life continue on in the present? I'm feeling more calm, although still very sad. My tears still appear, sometimes out of nowhere. Sometimes they have a voice, a reason; other times they just are. Sometimes, things seem to work for awhile and then seem to slide backwards again. Sometimes I have distractions for a time, out for coffee, an errand to complete, but there in the background the pain is always exists, waiting for my attention when those errands are complete.
There is a conflict living within me right now. Building a life for myself still means leaving you behind. How do I do that and still feel right? You are my partner, my love and my heart. Now I must build a new place for myself, that includes you somehow, but it's not like before. What does that look like, how do I proceed? My sorrow still fills me. Where do I put you, how does it look? I don't want to leave you, but what do I do? How do you fit in this new place of mine. Going and coming sometimes too much, I get fatigued easily which means I need rest. Balancing my need for activity and rest is an unexpected challenge. I wonder how long these emotions will drain me?
Facebook brings friends who are very near. New friends and old have listened to me here. Joining some groups have brought me more to do. Activity to create the distraction for me. New friends have only known me in the here and now. Old friends share the sorrow we bear. Both kinds, they touch me and hold me and accept the place I'm in at the moment. Probably seeing that place might change in the blink of an eye. Friends are a part of the growth of this new me. I don't want to do it, I don't really know how to do it. How do I bring you with me now? How do you fit into these pieces I hold? I don't know the answer to that question I seek. But as for friends, the old and the new, for them I've been thankful. I can see beyond the sorrow and pain, and I have seen the friends circling me in care, holding hands and standing around. Although they don't take it away, the sorrow the tears and the brokenness I feel. They hold me and love me in many different ways.They help provide the distraction that gets me through some of these days.
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