When I was a child, my parents had expectations of me. To follow instructions, to be a good girl, to do my best in school, to be respectful of my elders. Maybe you had expectations made of you as well. To clean your room, to do your chores, to play fair. Most of us know what was expected of us. The 'house rules' if you will. I remember on my 18th birthday thinking, "Huh, I am now responsible for my own actions.....as if I wasn't yesterday". And had a good chuckle with myself.
As we become adults, begin interacting in our grown up world, there is a thing called respect. One of those childhood expectations we learned. Hopefully, it is something we earn. Hopefully, it is something we give to others around us....maybe they have to earn it as well. When I was a young adult, I had a habit of placing high expectations in the relationships around me. It was grounded in an unwillingness to trust others or to be vulnerable. If I look deeper, it also reflected a lack of trust in God and usually resulted in a strong need to control. I was in my mid 20's when I chose counselling. My seemingly unconscious expectations was one of them. So, please know that I am not pointing fingers, but to offering food for thought.
Something it took many years for me to discover, is this need for control shows a lack of respect to the friend/spouse. Somehow, the husband is suppose to do something that the wife thinks they should do (or visa versa). Not because the husband chooses the thing, but because his wife does. There is an argument if he doesn't do "it". And, either he does it to keep the peace. Or, he becomes the a**hole because dares have the audacity to stand up for himself and say no. I have even had one person tell me that if the other 'really loved' them, they would choose to do it because it is 'so important' to their spouse. The kind of things I am talking about are such as picking up their laundry in the time frame that the spouse expects it to be done. Or buying flowers on Valentines Day.
And, you know, maybe the spouse should do those things. However, for the purpose of today's thoughts, I am thinking only of the one with the expectations that are somehow being used as a measurement of their spouse's love. What is the basis of those expectations? Why is it necessary for the spouse to make demands? If an action is demanded of a person, and they obey, is he response really an act of love? Does the spouse with expectations feel loved or more that they just got what they expected? To use another example: when a parent demands that an adult child call them weekly, or come to visit in a time frame that the parent deems acceptable, how is that love? Conversely, if the spouse does not do whatever was expected of them, or the child does not come to visit on the prescribed schedule, does that mean that the offending person does not love the demander (if that is a word)? Is the demanding person respecting the demandee (sorry)? And, what does this say about respect or lack there of?
It seems to me that the better choice is to accept the ways that one's spouse shows love/respect. I've heard it called the Love Language. Does that mean that there should be no discussion about each partners perspective on the issue? No, conversation and vulnerability on both sides is healthy. No, I hope you understand I am not talking about behaviors that cause demean or abuse either spouse. I am thinking about how our "expectations" become disrespect in the relationships that are nearest to our hearts.
I believe that the baseline behavior here revolves around trust. Or lack there of. We don't trust our spouse to love us or give us what we "need", so we put expectations on them. I also wonder about how our expectation affects our loved one's self esteem. It also bears looking at our individual relationship with God and focusing on our trust in Him. We might not all have the same view of God and his relevance in our life.
Here are some of my perspectives related to this subject:
1. He give us a choice as to our relationship with Him. Does He hurt when we choose to close the door? Absolutely. Does He demand that we open it? No.
2. Is He saddened when we think He is demanding of us or some big Rule Master who cares not for our love but only for our cold obedience? I believe so.
Am I willing to trust that God holds me in His hand, that He will provide for me as He has promised. And to allow that trust in Him to release my grip on the inappropriate expectations I have of others. How much healthier will our relationships be if we accept that others have the right to make their own choices without us trying to control their behavior? How much more will we feel their love if we learn the language they speak? How freeing will it be when each spouse chooses to trust God with our needs and love our spouse independently?
I struggled with this especially early in my marriage. I realized that Buddy was not perfect, neither am I. And, he was not responsible to fulfill my expectations. It was my job to hear his love language and see the things he did that expressed love for me rather than telling him how he was going to calm my insecurities......which is really what I think these expectations express. The interesting thing is the more I practiced releasing my friends and family and holding onto God, the easier it got and the more successful I became.
So, here's to practicing love that frees our loved one to share their love and we hear it effectively as we release our expectations and offer them our respect.
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