The overwhelming hurricane of grief has subsided somewhat. The gut wrenching grief only strikes on occasion now instead of my constant companion. The scars of my woundedness feel like they are mending. I don't feel crushing sadness all of the time. But, you know, there is a grief I feel because of the mending. A sadness because it is a goodbye, a letting go. An acceptance of that which is no longer. It hurts my heart just to write that down. I don't want to be mending, I don't want to accept. I want him here, I want my life back. I don't want to walk this path. It is inevitable I suppose. One cannot exist forever in the throes of the torn.
So now you are gone, taken from me so young, how do we function now and again? How do I hold you dear to my heart. There is a new course that is unclear to me yet. You will always be a part of my life. I just can't see clearly the path that we take. Who am I now and how do we fit? What do we look like and where do I stand? The path is not clear and my steps are unsure. I feel like I'm walking but uncertain as to where. I just know if hurts me to feel myself mend. There's a conflict within me, I don't know where it ends. I just know I feel like I've lost you so close. I don't know what we look like now that I'm here alone. Where do I put you, where do you belong? How does the "us" now exist?
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