Ok, It's My Life Now

We were an "us" for over 22 years. We made choices together. Anything from what was for dinner to large purchases and even starting our own business together. Suddenly, it is back to me making choices on my own. I don't have you here to bounce ideas off or to help me think through things. Its me, myself and I. Before I met you, I used to do this freely as I was older when we met and had lived many years on my own. However, now if feels harder than before. Now it feels lonely. Now it reminds me that you aren't here. It's back on me again.

We had decisions to make. Sometimes, we were of the same persuasion. But, there were so many other times that we struggled. You know that we had different personalities and therefore looked at the world differently. Sometimes, that compromise we had to make was So very hard. I wanted what I wanted; you wanted what you wanted. I thought one way was the right choice, you thought a different way was the better path. We talked, sometimes we argued.  The struggle to bring both perspectives together was at times like pulling teeth.  It is that blending of each other so that we fit together. It is that in the miraculous bonding and molding that is God's hand. Almost like he has to sand and smooth each to create a tighter fit. Marriage is not the only time this happens, but somehow it is the most intense. It is that when He is the author and creator of our faith, those hard times make us stronger. We become purified like fine gold. It is not easy. Nor is it fun. But, there was a bond that formed through it all that transformed us. We became 2 parts to one piece. One was the jewel, one was the gold, together a most beautiful creation.

So, here I am, that bond will hold us together forever, yet, you are not here with me now. Here I am making all the choices on my own again. I wonder if I am making the right one. Somehow, all those years of having you here, balanced my outlook somewhat. I find making these decisions on my own harder now than I did before we met. The compromise that was at times so hard is now missing. I get to do whatever I want now, there is no longer a compromise, no discussion. No work to make a decision that we both are happy with. Yet somehow, I'd give anything to have one of our many discussions again. To have to struggle to come to a compromise. Today, becoming one again to guide my path isn't what I really want. It isn't what I would do. But, today, and tomorrow, and probably the day after that, I no longer have that bondedness. I no longer have that building together. And for all of these days, I will miss that bond, that struggle, that togetherness that made us who we were, I will be gold without my jewel. Pretty, but not complete.