Two Sides of a Coin

When I speak with others about their loss, I hear them say, I miss talking with my mom almost every day. Or a widow told me that she still "tears up" on occasion almost 25 years later. That causes me to ask the question, "Is the grief process ever complete?"

I ask this question as I look at life. In spite of completing projects, touching the lives of others and enjoying friends, a look inside oneself continues to hold a sad hunk of pain. The pain and anguish no longer consumes each moment of the day.  But, that hunk, it colors the view of whatever has been accomplished. It is just there and never really goes away. I have begun to think that asking when the pain will end is asking the wrong question?

I wonder if from here on out, the heart has become like a 2 sided coin. One side has purpose and happiness. The other side has been broken and is now mended but there is scaring that when stretched becomes painful again. It is the side that contains the place belonging to him. It is the place where shared memories and dreams are stored.

These 2 parts of will now coexist. The happy will always be tinged with a sprinkling of sad. The watercolors of purpose and satisfaction also contains the color of sorrow. The movie of my life will look through a lens that is filtered through both sides of that coin. 

This life-viewing lens has been altered due to the experience of loss. It is now molded differently to include  the experience of grief. My point is as a result of deep sorrow, there now exists a greater sense of perception, an increased strength, a different capacity for compassion, or better insight. Changes as a result of working through the process of grief after loss. Capacity within not existing before the experience of loss. Will that scarred portion of the heart help bring one to see and speak wisdom not evident previously?

Never would I say that "God had a reason" to take a loved one away. Nor would I say that "He had a purpose". Those comments are simply cruel to be spoken to a grieving person. However, for me, the valley has been dark, and as I come forward, I wonder for myself if these changes can be seen within me? I wonder what they mean for me as I walk forward into a life I now build.

In many ways, I have more questions than answers, but this I know, for me, it always comes back to the faith that God walks before me guiding this dark unknown. It comes back to the quest to follow my Father through obedience and grace.