Be Gentle with Yourself

I heard these words several times during the first months of widowhood. Even when I sought legal advice. He told me to "be gentle with yourself". I was speaking to a friend this week about this subject. We have so many expectations of ourselves and when we are plunged into grief, we often become disappointed with our self because we are not "doing" all the things we "should be doing".

Looking back, there were a couple of reasons:

1. Grief saps energy- This was the biggest one for me. I had so much grief in front of me that caused so much sorrow, I didn't have any energy left over to even attempt the smallest of projects. I struggled to get the most basic of things done...like take a shower when I didn't need to be anywhere. I napped often, (also because I was not sleeping well) and was still tired all the time. Grief is exhausting.

2. Feeling overwhelmed-There are So very many things that need to be done, especially at first. The day I went to the DMV to have his name taken off of a title, was exhausting and overwhelming. It took me 3 weeks go get up the energy to do this one item. If you can imagine that in addition to expectations of ones self, there are all of these projects that have to be done....I call them the "death duties" left over after a loved one dies. There was great sadness and anxiety about 'erasing his existence' by removing his name from various accounts and such. It goes back to #1, so much energy required. It is not life as usual.

3. Sadness associated with the activity-There is such sadness associated with things like going through his clothes, sorting through his hobby supplies and etc. The ability to do these projects stirs up sadness that is already pretty intense. When you are ready to face it, maybe there is a friend whom you trust that can come and be with you? 

4. Lack of focus- It is often difficult to concentrate, complete a task or you become clumsy. These behaviors are common and affect what and how much we can accomplish. A friend told me to be careful...she was right. I was more clumsy.

I had to learn that I was more important than any of these "projects" or "activities". I still have a ginormous list of things to do that weigh on my mind and its been 16 months. There are days that I just couldn't do the dishes....I had to work to fix something to eat. Eating was more important than forcing the issue of the dishes. As I resolved the terrible terrible pain, I have found that doing these daily items has become easier again. I have not yet been able to attempt much of the sorting of his stuff.

So, I learned to put my expectations of myself in the background and ask myself what I needed today. Sometimes it was a nap, sometimes it was to get out of the house for a drive, sometimes it was to journal. I made these answers that came to me priority.

Here is a thought:

• G - Gentle. Be gentle with yourself. Put yourself first for awhile each day. Do not       flagellate yourself with all these "things" that you usually do and you just don't seem to be able to do. 
• R - Rest. Grief and intense emotions will wear you out. Take a nap if you need it. Go to bed early if necessary. Take breaks. Maybe read a book to relax. 
• A - Allow yourself to put your "expectations of yourself" on the back burner for now. Wearing yourself out trying to do it all is not going to help you or anyone else. Let some things slide so that you can take care of you and others who might need you. 
• C - Care for yourself. Take the time to do what you need for yourself. You are important. It feel selfish, when in fact is it self care. Brush your teeth. Eat even if it is comfort food. See the doctor and/or counselor. 
• E - Emotions. They exist whether you acknowledge them or not. If you stuff them, they will come out in other ways.  Find ways to express them in a healthy way. A trusted friend or family member, a counselor, keeping a journal. Closing them off will often affect your health, your relationships. Not everyone will need the same expression, but the willingness to open the pipeline rather than close the valve is the key. 

Remember that this terrible, all consuming pain, if addressed, needs expression. Needs patience and grace. We might have for a period of time, maybe a very long period of time, adjust the way we live our life to accommodate our sorrow. Individuals in a family will all have this need and each express it differently. Grace is the key. Give yourself grace.