Overwhelmed. The pain and sorrow have now changed. Now it is overwhelmed. There are so many projects left to do. Projects had planned to do together. I go to choose supplies. The decision is no longer 'ours' to make, but all mine. These decisions should be fun. They're not. This is what pricks my heart just a bit.
I am trying to make changes in my home and in my life. However, there is a part of me working against those changes. It is trying to keep things the same. That conflict within becomes overwhelming. Emotional and exhausting. The part of me fighting to keep sameness around me shouts that I am erasing his existence. Somehow, my grief says that "I am responsible" for erasing him here. That somehow getting rid of a computer part, a picture frame or an old pair of jeans takes him away from me just that much more. Or even worse by sending these things away, like he was never here. These are the things that prick my heart more than a bit.
And then there is the fear of "what if?" What if my car breaks down? What if my house needs fixing? What if my computer stops working? These are all "things" that he cared for in our life together. I am sure that I can figure out how to get these things done. I am capable and resourceful. However, the sense of loss of our "system" causes anxiety, overwhelming again. It is the taking back each of these responsibilities that pricks my heart just a bit.
There does not seem to be many answers except to get out and develop the resources to deal with the things I need. It all goes along with building my life again without him here to be in it. Making these choices and moving on pricks my heart some days more than others.
No comments:
Post a Comment