Walking into "The Uncomfortable" With Your Grieving Friend

Talking about death and dying in our society is somewhat taboo. It is uncomfortable and sometimes frightening. When we are faced with speaking with someone who is walking through the pain and sorrow of losing a spouse, family member or friend, there is a difficulty knowing what to say. Not knowing how to help. I think that there is 2 questions we ask ourselves in this situation are: "Oh cr@p, what do I say?" and the second is "How do I fix it and make them feel better?" Usually, there are good intentions (of course not always), but friends really don't like friends to hurt.

My best friend from high school passed away the year before my husband. He called me one day and we had one of those very painful and uncomfortable conversations. I loved him and walked through the pain and difficult conversation with him. To this day, I don't remember what I said, but at the time I hoped my words were supportive and not hurtful. I share this experience to let you know that I understand "the uncomfortable" because I have experienced it. At the time, I had not really supported someone facing their  imminent death. I experienced the tension between my ongoing life and him preparing to experience the end of his life here on earth. I experienced not knowing what to say or do to make him feel better. I know the need to help, to sooth and to eliminate "the uncomfortable." And today, I have been on the other side. I have experienced walking into the death of a spouse and the grief associated therein.

Back to the 2 questions. The answers go like this: Know that no matter what you do, your words are not going to fix the pain of grief, or the fear of death. Know that you will NOT fix it (that is not the goal).  Here is the reason. When we try to fix "the uncomfortable", we often say things that relieve "the uncomfortable". Often we feel better because we have given them an answer. However, often, those words that made you feel better do not support the person grieving. It can make them hurt more, or at minimum, they feel more alone afterwards. 
Know that your goal is to walk alongside of them. To be with them in "the uncomfortable". You choosing to walk with them through that darkness provides comfort. Is soothing. The best gift you can give them is to stay in the conversation, listen well and choose to remain "in the uncomfortable" with them.

I had a friend tell me that he "didn't know what to say." So refreshing was that for me. He simply sat in the pain with me and expressed his uncomfortable feelings to me. And I felt supported.
Listen. Even if the conversation is the third time you have heard the same thing. Your friend needs to work through the layers of their pain. Those same words have different levels of feeling for them, even though the words are the same from one conversation to the next. 

Show up. Be available. When you say, "let me know if there is anything I can do". Sadly, there is so much to do or such a fog to their grief, they may not know what they need. I had several friends that shared a meal out with me. Over the months, the care that they showed making the effort to simply be there for a time, that I didn't have to feed myself or eat alone. And they listened. They sat with me in the darkness as we ate. And I felt supported.