My head knows that I have him with me wherever I go. My heart says, "what if I forget?" "What if I lose more of him?" My head knows that I have decades of memories and conversations and love that I can keep with me forever. My heart says "But, he's not here to be with me now." There is this ongoing discussion between my head and my heart. We were always together and now I am alone. Not only is he missing in building our life, but that unity, that bond, that part of me that he occupied is now empty. I feel extraordinarily all alone. The next step for me is to grow. To build a life that is mine and mine alone. I know intellectually that this is the next step. But emotionally, I don't know where to begin.
It is exhausting. To the point that many days, I just have to shut down. To find a way to take a break. Read a book, watch a movie. It's a way of escape. Awhile back, I was told that some days, moving forward means that I get out of bed, and maybe shower. Those days are still with me every once in a while. Today has been just one of those days.
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