There is this place that I currently live. It is located in a valley. On one side of me is a mountain. Near the top is where my life used to be. Sometimes, I was near the very top, it was full of joy, enthusiasm and sparkle. There is also some places up there that I lived some days. Like being in the crevices. There were more clouds, and difficulties, but still near the mountain top. Times there were hard, but I would get back to the sunshine and sparkle without much difficulty.
It has been awhile since I've existed in either the crevices or the sparkle up on that mountain. It's been almost 2 years. Two years since a terminal diagnosis completely changed the existence I called life. That was the day our lives were forever changed.
I am a widow now, it's been 7 months. And, I continue to find myself in this valley of grief. I look up and see this place that I used to live. The place where life's normal ups and downs were just life. There was happy and sad and happy again. I think that my path will lead me in the general direction again. Up the side of the mountain to somewhere that will be my new "normal". I assume that my direction will not lead to exactly where I used to exist because my life is so different now. But, up on that mountain somewhere.
The dilemma that I face as I look up these days is that I see the place up there that is familiar, in the general direction that I think I should go. However, the beginning of the trail that I take to get up there is not clear to me. I don't know how to get to the beginning of that path. I know where I need to get to, but emotionally don't know how to get there.
I realize that at some point, I need to move on with my life. I've accepted the fact that sitting here in the valley clinging to my grief does not really keep me close to him as I my heart tells me it will. What I accomplish is to cling to my pain. I realize that this counterproductive. To think that keeping myself in my pain in the hopes that I will hold onto my Love simply keeps me from being free to live the life that God apparently still has for me to live.
As I turn around to move in the direction of the trailhead, I don't see it. The path I need to take is not clear to me at this juncture. I feel a little bit in limbo. I have accepted the fact that clinging to my pain is not a healthy option for me emotionally. I do not know how I can keep him close or whether that is even possible from my place in life.
I am ready to move onto the next place in my journey. But I am not sure where to go, or how to begin. And, the hardest part of all is knowing that no matter where this next path leads, the sorrow and the pain await me there. Because no matter where I go on this path called 'my life', he is not longer here. No longer part of the fabric of my existence. He is only here in my thoughts and memories. Somehow, it is not enough. It feels as if it will never be enough.
I wonder if those feelings are the reason that I am in limbo. Because I am not ready yet to move on. That once these feelings are more resolved, the trailhead will be clear and I can continue the journey up the side of the mountain.
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