Valentine's Day, the celebration of love. It was not his favorite holiday. In general, he felt that most holidays were overblown. He was of the belief that each day was to be celebrated and each holiday was 'just another day'. I on the other hand, appreciated taking a day to focus and celebrate our love. Not in the commercial way of spending a bunch of money. But, an acknowledgment of our love, the success of our marriage and our great friendship. It was a day in these last years, generally stayed home and had a special dinner.
Today has been a hard day. It took me several hours to figure out that I was struggling. So, the goal for my day became taking a shower and eating. It has been an exhausting day filled with sorrow and sadness. Missing my best friend and companion. Missing some of our simple traditions. I will eat my dinner alone tonight and probably either watch a movie or go to bed and read. It is the struggle and a success of sorts to make it through another of these 1st holidays.
It is days like today that make me wonder if I will be happy again. As it is, my grief takes up so much space in my heart, in my head and in my life. I trust that it is possible. That one day, in my future there will be light again. At this point, I don't see it. I have days that are not as hard, and days that are much harder. But none feel like they are happy days.
The next holiday of the 1st holidays is my birthday. Hard because it is less than a week away. Easier because I have often chosen an activity for myself to do on that day, just for myself. I am sure it will be bitter sweet.
Today has all but come to a close. Thankful it's almost over.
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