I am Tired.

Someone told me something recently that just came back to me this morning. He is someone who has a story and pain path of his own. Someone who has some wisdom for me to consider. He said something along the lines of this: Things will get better.....if you decide that you want them to be better.

Today, I remember his words and think, yes, I do want things to be better. I have worked VERY hard this past 15 months to accomplish this. Today, I am tired of working. I am tired because I am still very sad. I am still unhappy. I've recreated a life of sorts for myself but it still feels empty. Empty and unsatisfying.

I consider myself a brave and courageous woman. I have spent decades of my adult years becoming healthy emotionally, resolving the dysfunction in my life. I have spent it learning to love and accept who God has made me. Accepting the choices of others around me. I have also worked through the grief of losing my parents.

I say this to say I am not a stranger to doing the work of grief and facing many hard choices. But this grief has been much harder. More painful and devastating. I see the path I am on and I am not nearly at a place emotionally that I seek. One of satisfaction, happiness and contentment. I have worked hard these past months to walk through the crater of destruction before me. To work through the loss of my husband, my friend, my lover and my soul mate. To build a life myself without him in it.

Today I am tired. I am tired of working toward a goal that I still do not see....even in the distance. I have no answers as to when I will get to that place I seek. All I know today is that as much as I have worked, I have not arrived.