I feel like I am moving ahead with my life. I am building it with activities that interest me. I have new friends, I enjoy the company of old friends. With that said, it still feels like my sadness is tied to the fact that in order to rebuild this thing called "my life", I have to let go of his hand. To walk ahead and leave him behind, to move on. He is left back in that part of my life where he was, where he lived but does not go further ahead with me.
Each day, I feel like I walk farther away from that spot where he stays. I don't want to leave him there. I want to stay there and somehow still be with him. I need to keep him with me as I walk forward into this new life, but it doesn't feel possible. It feels like I have to make a choice. Either I walk forward without him OR I stay back in that spot and try to be with him.
My head knows that trying to stay there is an illusion because he's not really there. He has moved on to his new life, his life ever after. So, if I stay where he was, the only thing I am cling to is ashes. But, emotionally, my heart says go back there, stay with him. Hold onto what was. And by clinging to what is past, I sacrifice the gift of a new life that God, the Creator of Life has for me now.
There is this tug of war happening inside of me. The "want" and "don't want" struggling for top spot. The "memories" warring with the "here & now". That stubborn part of me that doesn't want to let go. It doesn't know how to let go.
The saying, "one must close the door behind me to open the door in front of me" comes to mind. I guess part of the reason this feels impossible is that I want Buddy to continue to be a part of my life and right now I don't know how to take him with me. I think this is the biggest reason. Secondly, the closing of the door behind me is shutting out the familiar, the comfortable. And the door in front of me (which is not open yet) holds the unknown, the uncertain and therefore, the uncomfortable.
No comments:
Post a Comment