The Permanent Effects of Death, Grief and Healing

I have been thinking about the subject of grief and loss this past week. Less about the loss I suffered and more about attitudes I have run into as I have traveled my journey.

It has been my experience that death, dying and grief is not talked about much in our society. The subject is taboo in most circles. It makes most people uncomfortable. In general, in our society, people don't know what to say, they don't want to make the other person hurt more and it causes them to be more aware of their own mortality. Therefore, the person grieving by simply talking about their situation causes others to feel uncomfortable. Especially if they are angry or crying.

Another belief seems to be an attitude that grief is something one "does" after the loss of a loved one. A season in life if you will. This belief then implies that when one is "finished" grieving, they go on with their life. Move on to live the rest of their life. This may be an appropriate thought process when thinking about an acquaintance or very distant relative. For example, when I was in high school, an acquaintance who sat next to me in class went boating over spring break and drowned. My sadness was sharp, but it only lasted for a few days. In the instance of the death of a person we are deeply tied in relationship to, "getting over grief" and then going on really is does not fit reality.

For the loss of a spouse, family member, close friend or even the loss of a dream, I do not believe that grief is not a period of time that then ends and the person goes "back" to their previous life. Instead, it is a situation that causes a permanent, fundamental change in the grieving person. This person never goes "back to being" the person that they were before. The event is so life changing, the path becomes new, different.

I am not saying that this is a good thing or a bad thing. It simply is. The terrible loss that begins this journey can never be termed "good". I do know that having experienced the grief I have, makes me more confident in my ability to walk that path of pain with someone traveling a similar road. The subject is not scary or uncomfortable. I understand the pain and the lack of energy, the inability to concentrate and the need for more sleep. Although our process is unique, there is a similar character to the path as well.

It seems to me that the loss of of something or someone close to us and the grief process one inevitably follows causes a remolding of oneself. The view of the world becomes permanently changed.  The crippling sorrow carves out new strengths, new vision and new purpose. All the while finding that broken and mended heart still feels wounded as the newness awakens. It is not really a happy place just a new path.