Bailey and Sketty and Uncertainty

Dogs have always been part of my life. Today, I have 2 dogs. They are Sketty, the Corgi General and Bailey the lovable, goofy mutt. Both are rescues with different stories. Both exhibit personality issues probably caused in some way because of that story. Sketty came to us with a very emotionally shut down and distant. He watched the goings on from afar. If they came too close too quickly, he would leave the room, or growl to protect himself from the apparent incoming danger. His "job" in life is to protect. Protect me from the UPS truck, noises of a cell phone and from the squirrels in the back yard.  Bailey came to us a "Nervous Nellie". She was attached to me always and was scared of noises, tennis balls and being outside by herself. She has lovingly been called our "Attention Whore" because it was, in her opinion our job to pet her 24/7. If you stopped petting her and just hold her, she's done, she moves on to the next person (ah...Sucker)....

As they have learned that they are now home, they have each settled in and their "issues" have lessened. Sketty stays in the room with me more. And on occasion, he comes over to tell me he wants attention, always when he decides its time. And, has learned that attention is nice.  Bailey has decided that Teddy bear or rope is really fun and that going outside is no longer scary because Sketty has taught her to scare off the birds. She has also decided that food is of greater importance than attention. They have each been affected by Daddy's death differently. Sketty now sleeps back in the corner of the room behind the little rocker. Bailey, lies quietly in my arms for long periods of time without moving. He has become more distant, she more needy. They each have moved more into the "issues" they initially exhibited. Why do I tell you all of this? Although I do enjoy talking about my pups (ask me about Rocky sometime :), it is to make another point. 

How do we as friends of the one suffering loss love and support them? My observation here is that in the midst of loss, we move in the direction of our comfort zone. And you, friend of the grieving one, may have a different comfort zone than your grieving friend. Your best opportunity is to follow them into their place. Don't let your automatic mode kick in here. You being uncertain and uncomfortable may try to comfort by pulling them into your place. Follow them, do not lead. Will it be uncomfortable? Yes. Will you know what to do? Maybe, maybe not. And THAT'S OK. Remember, it’s about walking beside them. Let them know that you are there. 

It has meant much to me that friends have shown up, and said "I can't imagine what you are feeling right now" or "I don't know what to say”. That they chose to be into my space with me. If I had the opportunity to offer one piece of advice, it would be to not say "let me know what I can do"....Do something. Bring a meal, go out for coffee, send a card, sit close and listen. When one is drowning in confusion, your grieving friend may not be able to tell you what you can do for them. And, as with my Sketty and Bailey, the place of grief may be different for each friend.