It has been just more than a year. It seems like I "should" be ready to move on. Some days, I am quite productive, others, not so much. The process of whittling down our life into my life is still overwhelming, it creates a paralysis.
I had been advised not to make major decisions until after one year. After one year, all of the "firsts" would have come and gone. I think that I developed an unconscious belief that went something like this: "If I can make it to the year mark, it will all be easier." So, although I didn't realize it but I looked to 'just hang on' until I got to that year mark. Holding on is something I have had to do in the past, so was familiar. For those weeks, things went rather smoothly.
However, I then got past the hard, painful, terribly difficult anniversary. I had made it.....however, things were not really easier. I was just a widow in her second year of widowhood. In some ways, that disappointment was even more depressing. That caused the uphill climb to be harder, the sadness deeper and I wondered why? It turns out I had set myself up for that disappointment without knowing it.
Today, my struggle is the emptiness of my life. Not to say I do not have many activities. It is the difficulty not sharing that life with my loved one. I can stand and look out over the expanse called "my life" and know that it is the "my" in that term instead of the "our" that hurts the most.
The main question I face is will there be a time and a place in which I get back to "happy" again? I expect that this is not a short term question with a short term answer. I just know that the path in the 14th month is not much different than the 9th, 10th or 11th month.
No comments:
Post a Comment