Today I am thinking about how I feel about my "single status". I am with friends and spending time doing things together. There are singles and couples, young and old here today with me as we socialize and enjoy the sunny spring day.
My singleness or widowhood feels somewhat like I am wearing someone else's shoes. They are slightly too large, the arch support is wrong....something just not quite right. The "singleness" I feel is rather awkward and a little uncomfortable. The feeling now is somewhat different than than the past few months. During those times, it was "not my life", It was "not me". I pushed away the life as belonging to someone else. Today, my response is not as strong. But, the life still doesn't feel quite right. The stage is set the same way, but the characters are different. The story is diametrically opposed to the previous one. And, somehow, as I watch the story unfold, it is not familiar, it is as if my lines have all changed.
When I start my day, I have activities to accomplish. Very little feels really all that important. On occasion, I find an important purpose for one activity. Or I enjoy visit with friends. But, not really happy. In the past, there was an underlying contentment and peace in my soul. It is that which is missing besides the absence of my Love. It is the peace and contentment that is hard to live without. I feel so very much loss in this deeper part of me. No matter how much I wrap this new life in a pretty bow, it is that inside part that still is not whole.
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